


chasing thrills

by KingLear



Series: the ballad of Aaron Burr and co. [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bottom Burr, Childhood Frenemies, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, I can't believe I forgot, I love Burr??, Jhene Aiko music, M/M, More angst, Non-Consensual Kissing, Overdosing, Past Cheating, Post-breakup, Recreational Drugs, Smol Hamilton, Tol Burr, Toler TJeffs, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-01-29 09:36:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12628113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingLear/pseuds/KingLear
Summary: When they break up - for good this time - Aaron decides to finally erase all of Alexander's presence in his life, deeming it a deep-cleanse that would only do him good. What he'd never expect is to not only see the parasite in his college but to also have him as a room-mate for the next three years of his life.





	1. unpredictably predictable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter 1 [edited]

When Aaron had finally put away all of his possessions on his side of the room, he'd let out a refreshing sigh. He'd been looking forward to this for the past few months, craving to get away from his old neighborhood that was only filled with bad memories of people he'd rather leave behind in the past. He'd driven early to Princeton so his roommate still hadn't arrived yet, Aaron could only wait and pray that they wouldn't be too much of a pain to deal with.

As he sat down on his bed, he simply looked around the room and observed the blandness of the walls and what posters he would use to cover it up. He heard a knock on the door and his head turned towards the direction of it before it opened to reveal the one person that Aaron had actively sought to leave behind above all of the rest of the shitty pile.

Alexander breathed out in wonder, "Aaron?"

"You can call me Burr." Aaron grit his teeth as he observed the shorter man with hidden contempt. Alexander was huffing and puffing with a loss of breath from all the luggage that he'd had to lug with him. (Aaron secretly hoped that he would choke on his breath to an early death.)

He ignored the hurt in the other man's eyes as his shoulders slumped and he dragged his luggage in.

"That's your side of the room, this is mine." Aaron pursed his lips, sure that he looked as though he'd sucked a thousand lemons. "Don't go over the boundary lines, Hamilton."

"Okay." Hamilton looked down at his feet and shuffled along to the opposite side of the room.

"Let's lay down some rules before anything else." Aaron continued, fully aware how quiet Alexander had gotten, the quietest he'd seen him since the aftermath of the showdown that had ultimately ended their relationship for good. "First of all, don't bring your one night stands back to the room. Second of all, don't even think to take anything of mine without asking me. Third of all, don't talk to me unless you absolutely have to. And finally, don't even try to interact with me outside of this room, I will simply ignore you and you'll look like a fool."

Hamilton grew even quieter as he gave a brisk nod to Burr, accepting all of his needless rules. (To which Burr was even more surprised but he chose to not care.) Even though he hadn't completely left Aaron's presence, he still felt a knot in his stomach come loose as the shorter man finally heeded his threatening tone.

The room fell silent as Aaron decided to aggressively begin to ignore the other man, taking more interest in texting Angelica back than anything else, his back deliberately to the man.

 

* * *

 

 **angeliclah:** yooo, hope you've settled in okay x

 **little burr:** if by okay, you mean having to room-mate with the hellion of the century, then yeah, I settled in peachy.

 **angeliclah:** ?????? what happen

 **little burr:** I'm rooming with Alexander Hamilton

 **angeliclah:** what the fuuuuuuuucccckkkkk

 **little burr:** I didn't even know he was deciding on this college but guess I thought wrong.

 **angeliclah:** i'm gonna call you.

 **little burr:** wait no, he's still in the room.

 **angeliclah:** too late, sucker.

* * *

 

His phone rang and he cursed under his breath as he hastened to accept it.

"You really didn't have to call me, Angie." He rolled his eyes as he stood to leave the room.

"Umm. Yeah, I did." Angelica rolled her eyes right back at him.

"Just wait a second." Aaron bit his lip as he crossed the threshold and left the small sad sack of potatoes behind.

"Yeah, it's fine to speak now." Aaron acquiesced.

"Can't you change your roommates?" Angelica asked.

"The school policy doesn't allow me to." Aaron sighed, "I can't change roommates until the beginning of next year and that's saying if anyone actually wants to trade rooms with me or if I get an apartment by the college which isn't possible with how much I have in my savings."

"That sucks, man." Angelica mused, "It's so weird that he decided on this college, though."

"Yeah I know, he must've at least applied for a dozen of scholarships when we were still on okay terms and I know through Eliza that he'd gotten accepted to at least half of them if not more." Burr walked past the hallways and into the courtyard where the sun was still shining and new students were still milling around with their luggage and family members. "He'd heard me say that this is my firm college at least a ton of times. I hope that he didn't choose the same college and course as me because of what I'd said."

"I wouldn't put it past that sack of shit." Angelica snorted, oh ye of little faith.

"Don't call him that." Burr sighed again, secretly thinking the same thing.

"Don't call him nothing, sweetpea, I saw you when you were going out of your mind for his stupid ass. He deserves everything that I call him." Her northern twang came through, as she berated him for his lack of true feeling.

"Yeah, I know. I just don't want him to ruin my college experience so I'm gonna do my best to just put him to the back of my mind if anything else."

"I guess that's really the best that you can do right now with your situation." Angelica huffed, frowning.

"Put him aside, Angie. I don't want to ruin our moods by just talking about him." Aaron tried to steer away from the topic of Hamilton away from their conversation, "How's your day going?"

"I see what you're doing and I detest you for it but you will not believe the day I've had, Aaron-"

* * *

 

When Aaron had finally hung up on Angelica, it was beginning to grow dark and he resigned himself to going back to his room filled with awkward silence and destitute lack of conversation.

As he approached their dorm, he heard a loud crash emitting from the other side of the door and Hamilton's reciprocal loud yelp. Aaron could feel an incoming headache labeled Hamilton_2.0 emerging through the back of his head, like some sort of twisted chrysalis. He took a deep breath and then opened their door awaiting the disaster that was about to be unleashed in front of his eyes.

It was not any less than he'd expected as he observed Hamilton trying to displace the bed from his foot, the man's face turning a bright purple-red as he fought it off. The familiar smell of weed no less pungent in the air, his red eyes marking that.

Aaron bit his lip as he fumbled between considering which actions to do before finally cursing his own good will and walked over to Alex's side to remove the bed from his foot.

"Aaron?" Alexander looked at him with the same broken wonder of before and Aaron could feel something twist in his heart, he blinked his eyes rapidly to keep his cool. The other man's tone was muffled by how sleepy that he looked. "No, s'rry, Burr? Didn't think you'd c'me back tonight."

"Where else would I go, Hamilton." Aaron kneaded his forehead. "This is my room as well as it is yours."

"Thanks so much, I w's jus' tryinga move the bed furth'r from you but it landed on my feet and it hurt a lot." Alex pouted like he was normally wont to do whenever he was feeling playful, totally ignoring the pain that he was professing about. It would have been endearing if it didn't make something in Aaron's stomach feel sick.

"I don't care, Hamilton. Just try not to kill yourself on my watch. I'd rather not deal with the paperwork." Aaron rolled his eyes before promptly turning his back on the idiot and preparing for simply lying in his bed. He could still feel his eyes on his back as he changed his shirt and trousers but he fought to not react at all with a sinking feeling in his gut that could probably undo all of the hard progress he had made the months that Hamilton had left his life - no the months that he had left Hamilton's life.

Aaron squared his shoulders and settled his resolve, he would not let Alexander Hamilton ruin him again.


	2. tensions rise, caring falls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> burr's anger is like ice forreal.  
> chapter 2 [edited]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol these updates are gonna be irregular af

The week had gone by without much buzz or fuss from Hamilton and Burr didn't know if that was exactly a good thing or not. On one hand, he could see the excitement bubbling out of Hamilton's skin like the ink that would spill on his pages from his frantic writings and thoughts that ran a mile per minute, and he didn't want to be in proximity when the man possibly exploded from whatever he was gearing towards but on the other hand, he could see how hard Alex was trying to stay on his good side, even though things could never be the same between them. True to his word, had completely refrained from talking to him out of the dorm room and even in the lecture halls. The only downside was that the man incessantly talked and talked during the lectures that it was so much like simply having a conversation with the man itself.

Burr was sure that Hamilton had nearly made the professor, Dr. Seabury, cry at least a handful or dozen times in the past week alone. The poor British fellow seemed to clutch his pearls every time Hamilton raised his hand to raise a point or an argument. Hamilton would probably drive him to an early heart attack. Which was crude to think about a prof that he had no problem with but was still quite humorous to imagine regardless.

Hamilton seemed to beam whenever he got a positive reaction out of him and Burr had to remind himself that Hamilton was simply an amusing annoying pet that he'd have to put up with for the year. That was it, simply.

In fact, Hamilton seemed to make quick friends with a bunch of misfits that he'd met at the bar a few days ago at the Freshers parties, making quick connections that grated on Burr's nerves to no end. He seemed to form allies so naturally, that it aggravated Burr. Whilst he struggled to speak to new people, Hamilton simply flourished and charmed people with a cheeky smirk and a contagious laugh.

Alexander making friends before him was no penchant but it was how much he brought them back to his dorm that it pissed him the fuck off. Mulligan, Laurens, and Lafayette would be sitting there eating Hot Cheetos and smoking weed way into the night that he would wake up to the sounds of them being high and off their minds in the morning. (He'd screamed when he saw Laurens' stupid freckled face close to his the other day but he swore to fuck them up if they ever mentioned it, anyone, ever)

It drove Burr absolutely into the ground. Burr would consider himself a patient person but Alexander Hamilton and co had obviously sworn to test every last nerve that he had by obnoxiously existing and taking up breathing space.

Hamilton's choice of friends was insufferable; Mulligan and Lafayette were joined at the hip and were too boisterous for Burr's tastes. He didn't want to grow too close to either of them past being acquaintances, perchance that they commit some major crime and look toward him for assistance in covering things up.

Perhaps Laurens wasn't too bad on a good day but he was just as much a fire-shot and had an impulsive addictive personality like Hamilton himself, and Burr could feel them both being a ticking time bomb ready to blast themselves and everyone surrounding them to absolute smithereens. Like a house on fire.

And Burr wasn't blind to the beginnings of a new sort of intimacy growing between the two. He would have to have been absolutely oblivious to not see the signs of how much admiration that was held between both of their eyes. It sickened him how Hamilton could so easily move on without regarding a thought about the messes that he had left behind but Burr was never the type to dwell on things that had ne'er chance of changing.

(A strange sort of feeling settled in his stomach when he thought about the two together but Burr simply chalked it up as his stomach telling him to eat.)

In a last-ditch attempt to leave the dorms as often as he could; he had joined a new club for sewing and knitting where he had met Theodosia Prevost, an older Geosciences student who was skilled in sewing all sorts of things together and was additionally also an excellent conversationalist. She had wit and knowledge that had Burr tripping over himself to match up with, a mind that had aged beyond her years.

In their first conversation, she had engaged him in a Poli-Sci topic with such eloquent and well-thought-out opinions that it had left him stunned and floundering for moments at a time, a response that not even Hamilton had been able to pull out of him throughout their entire partnership. In fact, she'd even helped correct a few of his crocheting techniques, and if perhaps he were paler, a blush would have overtaken his face. In return, she simply tucked her short brown locks behind her ear, a beaming smile that curved her lips upward.

Safe to say, Burr was perhaps a little besotted.

He frequently texted her whenever he thought of a topic to talk about, and regardless of anything, even the time of day, she had an opinion on everything, even admitting her ignorance on topics she wasn't well-versed with. His absent attitude to his living arrangements was well-noticed by his roommate who simply looked at him with a frown in his face whenever Burr smiled down at his phone or ignored the loud hollering and music at 2 am in the morning when he was trying to sleep.

It was the first time that he had naturally clicked with anyone in such a long, long time, that he was convinced that he wouldn't let anyone let alone Alexander's antics ruin it for him.

It all boiled over when Alexander finally sat down with him after two more weeks of stalemate with a bittersweet look on his face. "You met someone, didn't you?" He'd asked on a particular evening where Burr hadn't looked over-intimidating, his voice perhaps hoarse from keeping quiet about his own thoughts for so long.

"I don't see how that's any of your business, Hamilton." Aaron raised a pert eyebrow, setting his phone down and looking at the ragged wordsmith with a peculiarity in his stomach.

"No- I just." Hamilton struggled, fumbling with his hands. "I just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you."

"Sure." Aaron froze over, his perfectly polite smile was sharp enough to stab the other man where he stood. "It's too bad I didn't really ask for your opinion."

"I'm sorry." Hamilton looked away and Aaron felt a tinge of regret for his snappy words but the feeling was overcome by a silent rage at Hamilton's next few words.

"I hope they make you happier than I ever did."

"I'm sure they will." Burr smiled as widely as he could, the darkness enveloping any form of happiness from appearing. Hamilton winced. "Now, is that all?"

"No -"Alexander stopped himself before Aaron could possibly stab him with a paper-cut. "Yeah... Yeah, it is."

"Good." Aaron snarled, clenching his hands tight enough that he could almost feel the blood being drawn.

_Fucking Hamilton._


	3. when we were young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> double update with a little backstory but supes short soz.  
> chapter 3 [edited]

**AROUND 8 YEARS AGO**

The Burrs had moved again to a new neighborhood for the fifth time in the past three years and Aaron was undoubtedly sick of it. He'd gotten sick of it by move number three, in all fairness. His clothes and valuable possessions had hardly ever left their boxes in all those three years and Aaron craved to settle in one house for just once so that he could make friends who he wouldn't forget the names of in less than six months.

His mama had promised him that this would be the last time as his daddy had finally negotiated well enough with his boss to set roots in New York where the business capital was a cesspool of opportunities, a limitless ever-growing hotbed. Even his daddy had settled down with him and had told him so. That had settled something in his chest, even though he couldn't figure out what it was.

His sister, Sally, was perhaps even more relieved than him. Being older than he, she was more susceptible to the constant changes and as a result had grown even moodier than before, but his mama had chalked that up to emotional preteen mood swings. Whatever it was, Aaron hoped that his old sister would re-emerge from the scowling person that she had become soon enough. He was really missing playing with her on a regular basis, whenever he saw her, she grew even more volatile and off-the-rails that he generally avoided saying a single word.

 

 

* * *

 

They had settled into their new permanent (hopefully) house for one or two days when he heard the doorbell to their house going off once, then twice.

"Aaron, sweetie, could you get that?" His mother called to him from her bedroom.

"Uh-huh, mom!" Aaron replied, placing his Alice in the Wonderland book down on the surface of the living room table and leaped towards the door to open it.

In front of him was another boy the same age as him, with a beaming smile and a large plate of chocolate chip cookies.

"Hello! I'm Alexander Hamilton Washington and my family and I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood!" Alexander Hamilton Washington introduced himself and then waited for Aaron to reply.

"Hello, Alexander Hamilton Washington." Aaron replied with a shy smile, "My name is Aaron Burr, it's nice to meet you."

"No, no, it's nice to meet you! I don't think anyone's ever called me Alexander Hamilton Washington before." Alexander responded with a bounce in his step. "But you can really just call me Alex for short, everyone else does!"

"Well, Alexander! You can call me Aaron for short as well!" Aaron cheekily smiled, deliberately elongating Alexander's name as if it were natural to which Alexander simply gave a reciprocal blinding smile, "Would you like to come in?" Aaron tilted his head and then opened the door further for the smaller lad to barrel through.

"Wow, your house looks really nice." Alexander looked around in awe at the decorations of various oil paintings and homely furniture that were placed deliberately into their sections by his father.

"Thank you, my daddy does the decorating around the house." Aaron led Alexander into the living room where he graciously took the plate of cookies and placed them next to his book. When he turned back to the boy was avidly looking at the book on the table, squinting his eyes to properly read the name. Aaron said nothing, letting the smaller lad take his time in identifying each word without much judgment.

"Alice in the Wonderland is one of my favorite movies, Aaron." Alexander declared with much fanfare, a glint in his eyes.

"The book is just as good, if not better." Aaron agreed, a smile on his face as they sat down.

"I don't really like reading, the words don't make much sense to me." Alexander pouted.

"Do you want me to read it out loud to you?" Aaron asked, a sense of excitement running through down to his restless toes.

"Oh, would you?" Alexander looked back to Aaron with much admiration in his eyes that it made the younger boy look furtively down at his book.

"Of course, do you want to sit down and look at the book as I read?" Aaron shuffled to make space for Alexander, giggling as the boy practically threw himself next to him.

"Sure, but don't expect me to actually tell the words apart." Alexander sheepishly admitted, looking over Aaron's shoulder as he squinted again.

"That's fine!" Aaron told him, opening the book from the beginning and clearing his throat.

* * *

 

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, `and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice `without pictures or conversation?'

 

* * *

 

"That's so true!" Alexander grumbled to himself.

"Not all the time." Aaron shook his head with a smile.

* * *

 

So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her.

 

* * *

 

"How do you make daisy-chains?" Alexander inquired.

"I have no idea, but my mama knows how to," Aaron pondered out loud, "I'll be sure to ask her later!"

"'kay." Alexander toothily grinned.

* * *

 

There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Alice think it so very much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself, `Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!' (when she thought it over afterwards, it occurred to her that she ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the Rabbit actually took a watch out of its waistcoat-pocket, and looked at it, and then hurried on, Alice started to her feet, for it flashed across her mind that she had never before seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat-pocket, or a watch to take out of it, and burning with curiosity, she ran across the field after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the -

 

* * *

 

"Aaron, sweetie?" His mama called out, as she descended from the staircase. "Who was at the door?"

"Our neighbor!" Aaron cheerfully called out, not even upset at having been interrupted at his reading session with Alexander.

"Oh goodness, you should've told me earlier, I could've made you both snacks to eat while you're reading, Aaron." His mama tutted at him and he sheepishly shrugged his shoulders.

"It's fine, Mrs. Burr!" Alexander piped up, "I think I have to get home now anyway!"

"If you're sure...?" His mama trailed for him to introduce himself.

"Alexander Hamilton Washington." Alexander declared proudly.

"That's quite a mouthful of a name, wouldn't you think so?" Aaron's mama mused with amusement.

"Everyone calls him Alex!" "Everyone calls me Alex." They'd both said at the same time before looking at each other and giggling.

"Well, Mr. Alexander, thank your parents for those cookies and be sure to come around again!" Mrs. Burr grinned at the small child who nodded enthusiastically.

"I loved hearing Aaron read! I'll come by again tomorrow!" Alexander buzzed with restless energy before moving towards the door.

Aaron blushed before moving to open the door, "It's really nothing, I hope to see you tomorrow Alexander!"

"See you tomorrow, Aaron!" The older boy waved goodbye before Aaron finally shut the door as he saw Alexander going into the house one door over.

* * *

 

Alexander Hamilton Washington. Aaron mouthed to himself with a wry grin when he was finally alone. He didn't think that he would ever forget that name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flips off swimboard into the hamburr ship. ugh young hamburr kills me.  
> disclaimer on Alice in the wonderland, i don't have ownership of the book or its copyrights pls dont report me.


	4. ne'er-do-wells and insufferable bastards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> introducing Thomas Thomas and lots of internalized slutshaming. Nothing wrong with polygamy or sleeping around, folks, as long as everyone involved knows and you practice it safely.  
> chapter 4 [edited]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAUSE THESE WORDS ARE KNIVES THAT OFTEN LEAVE SCARS. THE FEAR OF FALLING APART.  
> these next chapters are inspired by P!ATD - Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die album. :p

As weeks rolled into months, Burr resigned himself to being a bystander in the great buildup of the relationship between Laurens and Hamilton. He put his headphones in when they began to giggle together, left the room as soon as socially acceptable when they started to spend more and more time alone away from the main group in Hamilton and his' shared room.

He'd cut his feelings for Hamilton, surely, to the root but that didn't stop him from not wanting to see his lying, cheating ex basically move on to the next pretty thing as soon as the situation arose and the occasion befitted him. Seeing him cozying up to his next victim(s) wasn't how Burr planned to spend the next three years, as he schemed to look at a year abroad or even apartments around the campus.

Still.

Poor Laurens. Burr bitterly thought to himself as he watched Laurens fall as he did. Like Eliza did, like all the other faceless men and women did. Conquered as if they were landmarks to own. Slipping into the sweet venom that the man poured, his words honeydew melon but struck and twisted like the hilt of a blade when least expected. Aaron had originally thought that he could change him as well but Hamilton would never change for anyone. There was not a single selfless bone in his body that would allow the bastard to.

It was pitiful for everyone involved to know that Hamilton could go through countless men and women without an ounce of loyalty to any of them; he'd so easily swallowed - engulfed - the starry light from Burr's eyes - one of the man's oldest friends above anything else - and it still hurt to know that Hamilton would probably never acknowledge it for as long as he lived.

He struggled to swallow the knot in his throat as he thought about how humiliated he had been, how Alexander had rewritten every good memory into a bad one, tainting it with his poisoned ink and tongue, spreading fire like gasoline, tossed it up and stood as he waited in the eye of a hurricane, letting Burr fall and fall.

Not for the first time in his life, he regretted not being able to forget the name Alexander Hamilton Washington. Would've given anything to go back and advice - beg - his past self to forget about befriending the boy with the bottomless hunger in his eyes.

 

* * *

 

It was a Friday evening when Theodosia had ushered him into a busy cafe of revolutionaries with their opinions as swords. Or perhaps they were better known as the Whig-Cliosophic society, apparently one of the oldest societies to exist in Princeton, from what Burr found out in his brief research on the society before Theodosia had clucked at him for his lack of willingness to be surprised and he'd relented and placed his phone back in his pocket.

During the formation of their friendship, his initial attraction to the woman had dimmed down into comradeship when he found out about her monogamous relationship with her girlfriend, Maria Lewis.

It hadn't been too disappointing, Aaron realised, firstly because Theodosia had been out of his league, to begin with and when he had seen the enduring chemistry between the two women, how they only had eyes for each other, seeking the other's presence when the other had wandered for too long, the private delicate way Theodosia addressed Maria and the wide-eyed awe that Maria responded with, it was clear that there was no romantic room for Aaron in their lives. Their intimacy made Aaron ache inside with longing but he brushed that aside. He decided instead to be happy for the two.

"Come on, little Burr." Maria teased as she walked in step with them, her naturally curly hair split into two buns that Theodosia had spent time and effort doing, running her hand through the hair as if Maria had spun gold instead of follicles. "You simply must meet Thomas Jefferson."

"Who's that?" Aaron raised his eyebrow as he was led towards the front of where a debate seemed to be taking place.

"Shh, you'll find out after the debate," Theodosia answered, eyes gently crinkling at the sides, finally settling down in what seemed to be a reserved seat. Aaron awkwardly slipped into the seat on the other side of Maria, but his attention soon similarly slipped from himself to the charismatic tall speaker with the long brown hair that was swept back with a dazzling grin to match, resembling a shark waiting for the scent of blood.

 

* * *

 

"-On a factual point you said that Islam was born in Saudi Arabia." The flamboyant man with the gigantic presence said, mike loosely wrapped in his hand as he made eye contact with one of the opponents of the other team. "Islam was born in 16 AD, Saudi Arabia was born in 1932 AD, only one thousand years off. Not bad." He smirked as the female winced at her novice mistake.

"Talking of Math’s by the way, a man called Al Khawarizmi, one of the greatest mathematician of all time was Muslim." He took a momentary pause that looked like he was deliberating the next few words, "He worked in the golden age of Islam. Incidentally, he's not just the guy who invented algebra but he's also the same guy who created algorithms."

And with a smirk to match the strength of his argument, "And you know without algorithms we wouldn’t have laptops. And without laptops? Our dear Mr. Charles Lee wouldn't be able to print out a speech in which he came to berate us that Muslims are holding back the advanced and intellectual achievements of the west, which apparently all happened without any contribution from anyone else other than the Judeo-Christian people of Europe and United States of America."

 

* * *

 

Aaron Burr was still shaking in his boots as the man - Thomas Jefferson - was basically lauded in absolute applause and cheers throughout his entire speech, something that Aaron also partook in. He'd never been in overtly religious since birth although as a sign of respect to his family and their Christian ancestry, he often identified to be so out loud in front of other people, should they ask. Thomas had given him something new to think about.

As he stood and fumbled around, he was quickly washed into the large mass of a crowd which was quite overwhelming if his shaking breath was anything to go by.

Theodosia gently grabbed his arm and guided him to meet the man of the event, resisting his half-hearted refusals with a beguiling look that Aaron had no choice but to heed. As soon as Thomas had finished his conversation, Theodosia jumped straight in and greeted him with a "Good show, Thomas, Thomas."

The man didn't even startle as he was whisked into another conversation. His eyes beaming with absolute amusement, so achingly similar to Hamilton's, as he looked at Theodosia with a wide-set grin, "Hello, my dear cousin Theodosia. Thank you for your terribly kind words; I do try."

"How was France, whenever I talk to you, you're always there, you obsessed Francophile." Theodosia rolled her eyes as she leaned over to give him a tight hug.

"Don't rag on her," Thomas mockingly took a gasp of breath and then followed it up with a, "She's as romantic as the day I saw her." Thomas held a hand to his heart before his eyes looked over Theodosia's shoulder and caught that of Aaron's. Aaron's breath was caught in his throat as the man looked at him with immediate interest; immediately feeling like a newly-discovered specimen under a microscope as Thomas released Theodosia from his quick hug. "And who may this be, Theodosia?"

"My name's Aaron Burr, sir." Aaron cut in with restless energy and inwardly winced, holding out a star-struck hand for the man to shake. It was a weird experience look up at someone when he was usually the taller one in the group, but it didn't fail to make him almost swoon when the man's boyishness caused him to cradle Aaron's hand in his own with such delicateness that Aaron felt like fine china.

"You simply must call me Thomas, I don't partake in the name 'sir' outside of intimate grounds or unless you're working beneath me." The other man kissed his hand, lips brushing against the tips of Aaron's fist, winking as he spotted the way that Aaron flushed and flustered around. "It's my complete pleasure to meet you, Aaron."

"U-umm." Aaron looked around with a shy smile, fiddling with loose threads of his jeans.

"Alright, don't eat the guy, Thomas." Theodosia rolled her eyes as Thomas pouted but the man soon cheered up when Theodosia finished her sentence with a mischevious, "You'll have plenty of opportunities to do that later. Ugh."

"Theodosia!" Aaron squeaked, glaring at her, futilely.

"What can I do but speak the truth as I see it?" Theodosia teased, wrapping an arm around Maria's waist who had re-emerged from the open bar that the society held every time they held an event with the debate team. Maria was never one to say no the idea of free booze although Burr would have had to whole-heartedly disagree with.

"Do absolutely everything else!" The shorter man bit his lip with a sense of embarrassment that tinged his insides.

"No can do, my dear Aaron Burr, sir!" Maria piped up with a fruity alcoholic drink in one hand.

"Maria!" Aaron whined, "Don't you start now."

"Well, don't blame them for simply observing what's evident." Thomas grinned, not like the sharkish one during the debate but rather a toned-down version that felt more Thomas Jefferson but was still as dazzling and impressive. "It's the same evident way that I can see your number on my phone, obviously."

"That was dumb as hell, you can do better than that tjeffs." Maria slurred, frowning in the tipsy-ish ways that showed how much of a lightweight the poor girl was.

Aaron looked away when he saw Thomas' mock-offended look with an overwhelming desire to smile and scream at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did anyone catch my Hurricane reference. but seriously #Y #I #K #E #S, hamilton, when i heard that in the song, it completely changed the character for me. conniving and manipulative come to mind when i think of him. but so quick to destroy himself when plans don't go to his whims. he's a slytherin without the patience.
> 
> i used a real society that actually exists in princeton but i did about 2 sec research on it so dont look at this with a critical eye but the debate speech that i used for tjeffs was ripped from university of oxford (rip i have no eloquently thought out opinions so :))) ) yall should listen to it, its really good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2DZ8bbxd8U
> 
> also whaddup Les Miserables' parallels whoop i love entwining my fandoms
> 
> also whaddup princeton having an alexander hamilton society 
> 
> also whaddup muslim ally heyo


	5. passionate from miles away; passionate - i can't blame you now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pre-jeffburr date, pre-hamilton finding out. basicallly a filler yikes but more buildup ugh. -rubs hand like the disgusting fly i am -
> 
> chapter 5 [edited]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im being real guys updates will probably begin to be delayed for a few weeks/in a few weeks. my winter exams r coming up and im bout ta die bcaus of physics and chemistry.

The night had spun away with tinkling conversation and Burr hadn't felt this type of good for a long two or three years, where every nerve optic was set alight and one of the best parts was that he hadn't stopped the bubbling feeling inside like he was usually wont to do with anything that ever even made him feel anything at all. Thomas - arguably the highlight of the night no chance - had been a refreshing change to his predictable lifestyle.

He'd talked more than he'd thought possible, about everything, about nothing, spending words like he was a rich wordsmith, and Thomas, in turn, had hung on to his every word, like he'd lit up the stars, ignited the first spark of light inside the first star. As the night had progressed, Theodosia and Maria had begged off, Theo handling her drunk girlfriend who'd pouted at being dragged home.

"Do everything that I would do, kids!" were Maria's cheerful goodbyes before she began to be distracted by Theo's hair and had nestled into the older woman's neck as if she always belonged there; in turn, Theo simply huffed out a gentle laugh that Aaron couldn't help but reciprocate.

"Maria is so good for Theodosia." Thomas off-handedly remarked, a grin on his face.

"I don't doubt it." Aaron looked Thomas from under his eyelashes, fiddling with his hands now that they were actually alone. "Though I do think that it's not just a one-way street - Theo grounds Maria, wouldn't you say?"

"Indeed." Thomas, his darker onyx eyes unyielding in the way they held his gaze, his curls bouncing onto his shoulders as he nodded his head.

Aaron cleared his throat as he turned his face away in some sort of misplaced shyness, "I think I might have to leave to get back to my dorm soon - it's getting quite late." And had Aaron drank too many shots or was he over-analyzing the situation because the taller man looked almost... disappointed at the prospects of Aaron leaving for home soon. Aaron blinked rapidly at the possibility; it had been so long since anyone had shown him any sort of romantic interest that didn't seem like it would break him.

As Aaron looked around, he saw the emptying cafe and realized that he and Thomas were one of the last few patrons of the debate evening.

"That's quite a shame, I really enjoyed talking to you," Thomas spoke to him in that voice that could ruin. "You'd have to allow me to escort you home, surely?"

"I don't want to possibly be a bother, I know you're probably a busy man." Aaron breathed out, shakily, biting his lips.

"It would entirely be my pleasure, Mr. Aaron Burr." Thomas smiled a smile that made Aaron feel things - oh god - feel things. "You're far too drunk and I haven't had a single drop of alcohol; it'd weigh heavy on my conscience if I just let you go home without knowing you got there safely. So I think it best that I should just definitely drop you off."

"If you're sure." Aaron hesitantly replied after a moment's hesitance.

"Of which I am, completely." Thomas tilted his head like a Chesire cat. "Shall we leave?"

As he took Thomas' outstretched hand, Aaron blinked with stars in his eyes, "Please."

 

* * *

 

"We've talked plenty tonight about everything to and in between." Jefferson filled the silence with his southern twang. "I'd love to know more about yourself, Aaron."

"I'm not the most interesting of people to talk about," Aaron admitted, frowning at himself for his negativity but nevertheless, absolute truth as he was sure that Jefferson had met so many more interesting people with interesting lives and interesting stories in his fast-paced life, than Aaron. Aaron was sure that he had been brought up with a childhood to die for with later trauma that painted him an effervescent picturesque painting of an Aristotelian tragedy.

"You're a thousand time more interesting than most that I know." Thomas disagreed, "You speak and I am helpless in becoming entranced by each syllable that leaves your lips. How do you do it?"

"I'm not as engaging as you believe." If Aaron had hair, he would have probably ducked into the curls with absolute terror that Thomas would see the wreck that he was making Aaron. "I grew up in New York but I lived in Southern Virginia for most of my early years; my family had to often travel for missionary work throughout the US. My mother was a genius and my family comes from a long history of pastors and clergymen."

"The religious lifestyle didn't beckon to you as it did to your family?" Thomas looked at Aaron with even more interest and Aaron was unsure if he couldn't just simply melt into the comfortable seats of Thomas' car but that would be rude and Thomas was taking him home and he couldn't do that.

"Religion is a beautiful thing and I will always be connected to God." Aaron touched the cross on his neck, something that didn't miss Thomas' perceptive eyes - the last thing that his father had given him before he'd died, "But I've seen how the church destroys and I've not got an appetite for enforcing such a lifestyle on anyone ever again, including myself."

"That's awfully brave of you." Thomas noted, "I've never had a connection to God and I'm almost envious of how easily people resonate with him and his messages."

"You shouldn't beat yourself over it; some people just never believe whilst some do," Aaron argued, tracing how the lights from the street lamps dipped and lit Thomas' hair aglow as if God's fingertips running their hands through the fine silk. "Either is perfectly okay."

"Thanks for saying that." To which Aaron simply hummed a response, looking down at the water bottle in his lap that Thomas had given him at the beginning of the car journey. "You said your mother was a genius but what about the rest of your family?"

"My older sister - Sally - was and is one of my favorite people that ever lived and breathed in this Earth." Aaron wistfully recalled how he'd longed for his sister to revert back to the loving figure that she had once been but depression had wracked her soul since she hit her teens and never let go of its claws that it had on her. Robbed her too soon. "She used to call me Little Burr as an irony of the fact that I had outgrown her and my mother pretty early on."

"You seem like a 'Little Burr' to me." Thomas joked, "But then again, most people seem little to me."

"The statement is coming from a skyscraper." Aaron agreed with humor lacing his smile and words.

"Seriously, when I'd gone to Japan, I stood out like a sore thumb, color and all but I literally lumbered over most people." Thomas snorted, "I was basically a free tourist attraction for the three weeks that I'd been there for the diplomacy conference."

"I would pay to see you." Aaron immediately wanted to keel over as soon as the words left his mouth but Thomas looked at him with humor that leaked from the sides of his deep-set eyes that roved over Aaron and left him feeling well-inspected and safe?

"And that's all that matters obviously," Thomas replied, his eyes looking back towards the roads that led to the accommodations for the college students. There was a brief silence when Aaron saw the Polaroid picture stuck on the dashboard, of Thomas surrounded by a bunch of unfamiliar people at some sort of tourist destination - the only person he'd recognised was Thomas himself, Theodosia and James Madison who he'd been freshly introduced to as Jefferson's best friend from since they'd been toddlers.

"It's the apartment block on the next left." Aaron fiddled with the loose thread of his seat-belt and felt a regret take his soul as soon as Thomas had pulled into parking right in front of the place that Aaron lived.

"Thank you so much for dropping me off." Aaron had quickly sobered up throughout the journey and talk home. "I can pay for gas if you want?"

The owner of the car leaned back on to his seat and then waved it off, "I offered you a ride home because I wanted to, not because I could scam a poor student out of his savings."

"Still." Aaron felt an inner heat arise as he tripped over his next few words, "I'd love to see you again, coffee tomorrow?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Thomas quirked a charming lip, "Can I have your phone number?"

"Of course." Aaron fiddled with his coat pocket before he basically thrust the unlocked phone into the Virginian's hand.

When he'd gotten the phone back, Aaron ducked his head and undid his seat-belt, flustering as he tried to get out of the car without being an actual human disaster, trying to not fall and land on his face. "I hope you get home safe." Aaron uttered softly and looked as the moon-glow highlighted the rugged cut jaw of the man's handsome face, before basically fleeing into the building - into the dorm - without looking back.

The giddy euphoria evaporated like water in the Saharan desert after an afternoon of devastating sunlight when he saw how Alexander had been sitting up at his desk, as soon as he turned the light on in their dark dorm. He looked terrible and as if he had swallowed a kidney stone. Despite it all, Alexander's face lit up at the sight of Aaron but fell as he realised something soon.

"Why were you hanging out with Thomas Jefferson?"


	6. this is a modern fairytale; no happy ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a hamilton-burr showdown. we're going weehawken, folks. you know how its going to end.  
> chapter 6 [edited]

**AARON BURR PLAYLIST FOR CHAPTER 6:**

Fuck Feelings by Olivia O'Brien

What the Heart Wants by Selena Gomez

* * *

 

Aaron stood stunned still, eyes watering at how strong the room stank of the weed and swore inside, digging his fingernails into the soft bed of his palms, hard enough to bruise and cause blood.

"Why are you hanging out with Thomas Jefferson?" Hamilton repeated again gritted through his teeth, red eyes and scent evident, his hair greasy enough to catch fire, the joint that he'd rolled up almost all out as he held it with loose fingertips, the burnt end of it stinging with smoke that couched him like fog. Aaron remembered how easily those fingers destroyed him as much as they'd put him back together, only to repeat the cycle over and over and over again.

Immediately, Aaron flinched back on the defensive, a sense of displacement as he looked at Alexander with widespread eyes, heart stuttering and falling through his chest and out through his mouth, before realizing with a sense of indignation that he had nothing to apologize for nor defend himself about. "I'd tell you to mind your own business but evidently, you're in no position whatsoever to make any responsible decisions for your life - something that I wonder about for also when you're not high."

"Don't play, Burr, you were in the same shit as I was." Alexander shook his head, standing up woozily as he realized that Burr was trying to avert the subject topic that he'd brought up, stumbling, "Thomas Jefferson is a whole bag of dicks, you shouldn't hang out with him."

Scoffing, Aaron squinted his eyes and began frowning with prominence. "You have no rights to bring up something that I've been trying to leave behind me for two fucking years, Alexander - at least I'm trying." Then added with even more murder in his eyes, "I will decide for myself on what I think of Thomas Jefferson - I have no idea how you found out that I met him tonight but I suggest you re-evaluate your own fucked up life before thinking that you can aid me with mine. At least I know my shit's a mess, you wouldn't know left from right if it hit you in the fucking face."

Alexander looked at him with such hurt, as if he couldn't ever believe that such words would ever be able to leave Aaron's lips and there was a lump in Aaron's throat that he'd forced himself to swallow it down, the bile, the feelings. Perhaps had he been younger and Alexander's use of language had been more impeccable, he would have crumbled and folded, subsidized under the other man's will but he was not that Aaron anymore. He would never again be the Aaron that had thought their shared lack of family accounted for some sort of magical greater-than-us sort of spiritual connection that transcended everything and all the problems that they would ever face.

They'd both been naive to believe that that would be enough to fuel their relationship for their lives. Or more so, Aaron. Alexander had no problem showing absolutely zero restraint because the fact was; commitment? Loyalty? Hamilton had probably never ever heard of them.

And that was the greatest problem wasn't it? Aaron had been so so desperate for someone - anyone - to show up and lo and behold, Alex had been so goddamned easy to fall for, he needn't even lay out any traps for Aaron to fall for; Aaron had just simply willingly walked into every pothole and minefield that had been so goddamned obvious. Looking back, his stupidity hurt his own feelings and had damaged himself till he couldn't even look into the mirror without feeling shameful at his mistakes upon mistakes, a tower of them.

His unruly charm was undeniable, with the way Hamilton looked as if every word you ever spoke was the greatest masterpiece ever crafted, the way he prized every conversation ever spoken, the way he remembered the small tiny details that Burr had mentioned offhandedly when he used to smoke and drink, high off his horse, small details that even Aaron himself would not be able to recall when morning came and broke the fever of the previous night.

And the way the man smiled - oh how he smiled.

Alexander broke and remade and rebroke his heart every time that he smiled, the way that the dimples on his cheeks became more defined and the crinkles in his eyes became ever so more crinkly than before, the mole on his left jaw, the way he couldn't grow damn facial hair without it coming out looking like peach fuzz; how Alexander knew how helpless he'd been for him since the moment that they'd met, and had done nothing to stop him, had instigated it further with his actions that spoke more than he did, which seemed unbelievable but Alexander left Aaron guessing and tripping and fumbling after him like a goddamned fool, and Aaron would rather cock a gun in his mouth before he ever let himself or someone else put him in such a vulnerable state ever again.

And perhaps not all facets of their relationship were as rotten as their time eventually became and had ended, Aaron had to begrudgingly give to the man. Hamilton gave good as he got, ushering Aaron to pursue things that were previously only a pipe-dream, a mirage. He likely wouldn't have even applied for Princeton, had Alexander not mailed his application when he'd been moping about on whether or not to do so.

But that was then and this was now, and there were only so many bridges that could be burned between the two of them before all that was left was the leftover ashes of a dream forgotten, of a shared destiny no longer favorable for either of them. Why did they have to keep meeting again over and over again?

The resentment had built like a dam and it was only a matter of time before the feelings spilled over like an oil spill, leaving only destruction in its wake. The only thing that they could do was to leave the scabs to heal instead of picking over it time and again, letting red blood spill, letting the wound fester and infect.

Aaron was so tired of letting Alexander making him feel like this. He was fifteen-sixteen again, discovering that he wasn't the only piece that Alexander had lying around.

"...I'm sorry." Alexander apologized, rubbing a hand through his eyes and Aaron was so painfully aware of how vulnerable and tired and overworked Alexander looked at that very moment. High-school Aaron could have died a thousand deaths or killed just as many people for Alexander to have let him into his heart, to speak to him without adding all that unnecessary bullshit, even just an inch would have done and Aaron would have been satisfied.

But it was too little too late just like much of what their relationship ended up feeling like. Not enough of that, too much of this.

"I overstepped my boundaries, I know." Alexander looked down at his feet and Aaron could have cried.

"Why can't we just let whatever it is left between us die in peace?" Aaron pleaded, eyes stinging as he looked at the man he had loved so much with all of his being, that he doubted that he would ever feel the way he had done with anyone else ever again. Their ragged connection was torn and bruised and mutilated but it had still been theirs, despite it all.

"I know I've done you so much wrong, Aaron. So much that I don't really blame you at all for wanting me out of your life." Alexander was openly shedding tears and Aaron couldn't help but think bitterly about where those tears had been when he'd written the goddamn document on their relationship. "But can't you forgive me like you used to? I miss you so much." Staggering to where Aaron was, Alexander fell to his knees and clung on to his trousers' fabric with a tightly clenched fist, begging and Aaron could feel Alexander's tears soaking through his jeans.

Still, Aaron didn't breathe a word, how could he when he was choking back his tears with a low stutter, what could he say that would make this situation better? Nothing could or would- really.

"I promise I'll treat you better this time around, please let me by your side again, Aaron," Alexander begged, his eyes red, as he looked up, imploringly as if his word could change the outcome of their history.

"I'm sorry I can't do this." Aaron tried to step away from Hamilton's body, feeling caged and trapped; trying his best to not make eye contact with this heart-breaker, homewrecker. "We can't ever go back to how it was, I'm sorry, Alexander, I can't do that to myself ever again."

Aaron tried not to crumble when he heard Alexander's open sobbing and heartbreaking sounds of grief that sounded like a cacophony of all the sounds in life that Aaron Burr had grown to immediately hate. He turned away because that was what he had learned to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummm???? i wanted to take a break but this is the first time my muse has hit me hard in any fandom (which is evident in how i havent updated my other fics whoops) also this muse doesnt.... seem to like hamilton which is really sad because i wanted a hamburr ending but it just doesnt look like it in the cards.
> 
> also the scene with ham on his knees and begging was sorta inspired by abagel's 'You Better Fix Up'.


	7. your obedient servant, A.Burr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another little background flashback into the tragedy of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. also tw for homophobic slurs, family death, reference to child abuse and internalised homophobia my poor burr.
> 
> chapter 7 [edited]

Flawless -The Neighbourhood;

Your only flaw is that you are flawless,

But I just can't wait for love to d e s t r o y us.

 

* * *

 

**FLASHBACK TO FRESHMAN YEAR**

"Aaron, you're going to be fine, like dude." Alexander nudged his shoulder on to his taller best friend's, beaming smile as the other boy bit his lip in nervousness, fiddling with his hands as they made their way out of the assembly hall to their very first lesson for the first day of their first year in high school.

"I don't know, Alexander..." Aaron thought to himself and Alexander out loud, "What if we get lost and no one helps us, ya know? Like what if we get separated into different classrooms or different seats? I don't feel comfortable meeting new people without you."

"I know, I know, you're socially inept and prefer reading books to talking to literally anyone at all." Alexander rolled his eyes as they tried to not get separated in the horde of other freshmen just like them, trying to get to their classes on time; Aaron hesitantly clasped on to Alexander's shirt sleeve and the shorter man simply gave him a head-spinning smile that Aaron knew he'd made the right decision.

"It's not my fault that reading is so much more interesting than talking to anyone though?" Aaron shoved Alexander lightly and chuckled to himself when the shorter man gave a faked indignant puff that made his cheeks stick out like squirrels storing nuts.

"I swear to God, Burr, you better quit that like the fuck now." Aaron didn't respond to the threat, simply smiling to himself as he let Alexander lead them into their first class successfully - thank God - which was incidentally their first AP class of the year, Latin to be exact.

The year before, both of them had sat down and basically discussed what subjects that they'd wanted to take, influencing the other to pick the near same schedules in hopes to be by each other's side more often; especially since Burr had to travel a bit further than he was used to so that he would be able to come back and attend the high school that Alexander and he had wanted to originally attend when things were still a smidgen of okay. (He lived with his uncle and aunt now, and perhaps it would have been better to just pick a school closer to the house he lived in but the family will had explicitly said that Aaron had to complete his education in the school of his choice, which had obviously been penned down as Liberty High at the time of the will being written.)

Alex made a bee-line for the seats at the back, which was typical but Burr still had hopes that he would be able to get work done that year. (It was no bother, really though.)

"All these seats at the front, and you had to choose the ones for the most visually impaired student to grace the existence of existing." Aaron grinned sardonically before plopping down his bag by his seat and getting his stationery and notebook out.

"There's still time to move towards the front if you want?" Alexander distractedly questioned, fiddling with his bag too and well, he was right because they'd arrived earlier than most of the class but Aaron didn't feel like shifting all of his stuff again, so he simply just shrugged his shoulders and began to organise his desk so that everything was as it was meant to be, within reach and purpose-divided.

"You're such a neat freak, man." Alexander raised his eyes and saw Burr placing his pencil case next to his folders.

"Better that then losing all of my notes and having stray paper literally everywhere." Burr teased, well-aware that he had a tendency to make sure everything had its own place but the process just helped him calm down, which was the main reason why he even did it to be quite honest.

"I'm smart enough to get by without needing such materialistic things to hold me down, don't you know, Mr. Burr, sir?" Alexander snobbily stuck his nose up in the air with a sweet twinkle in his eyes. Aaron simply snorted to himself, a shake of the head.

"Which is obviously why you're constantly getting red marks on your school reports for not handing in your homework." Aaron teased, playfully kicking his shoes on to Alex's.

The bell rang, cutting their conversation short, and the horde of the remaining lost students all came inside too, a few that Burr had recognized from their middle school. They hadn't really changed much throughout the summer and Burr made a mental note to avoid them as the scent of recently burnt weed that was basically engraved in their clothes wafted into his nose as they walked by his desk. He didn't really wanna fuck up his life by going down the drugs route because he knew he had a legacy to upkeep.

He looked over at Alexander who was speculating their loudness with a look in his eyes that unsettled something in his stomach.

Maybe he would stop eating such a heavy meal for breakfast so often, not that he wasn't already planning on cutting back his funds for basically everything. (Relying on his uncle who never had a kind word in his mouth let alone a kind gesture for financial reasons sucked. He was already planning on how he was going to escape this hell and was planning on completing a CV to get a job sometime soon.)

He made another note to tell Alexander to stay the fuck away from that crowd, although he hoped that he didn't really need to have that sort of conversation and that his best friend would just understand wordlessly like he normally did with Aaron through facial expressions.

* * *

 

Along with the rest of the Bambi-eyed students in his presence, Aaron shakily ambled around the high school like a deer that was caught in the headlights; his planner out and making sure that he was reading the correct information and wasn't in fact sorely mistaken about his choice of direction.

It would have been easier had Alexander and he ended up in all of the same classes but their respective timetables for Statistics and Mechanics clashed, so on Tuesdays, they'd have to unfortunately separate two periods into the school day to different blocks in the building. (Alexander had parted with a frown on his face, his arm had squeezed Burr's shoulder and it was strange because Burr could still recall the soft feel of the touch although the person who'd given it had long gone to his own class.)

Although, it wasn't quite all doom and gloom as Burr would have expected it to be so without Alexander by his side.

In fact, he'd even made a friend during the first break, another freshman named Jonathon Bellamy who led Burr to his group of friends who also all had the same lessons as him for the rest of the day, and at that news his shoulders slumped with relief at being not alone for the rest of the day and for the upcoming months to come. He'd be pleased to tell Hamilton about that, yes.

"So, Aaron." Bellamy smiled at him. (People rarely smiled at Burr, nowadays, if they weren't... well Alex, yeah.) "I know it's just the first day... But do you like the look of any of the girls in this school?"

Aaron internally sighed, it was such a benign question. Girls his age had no eye for him, put off by his quiet demeanor and lack of input in many, many cases where his opinion had been asked for. His 'political correctness' irritated Alexander, Aaron remembered the other boy asking him how much longer he was just going to keep on smiling more and talking less about the things in life that mattered so much before he simply exploded.

Girls - people in general - much preferred Alexander's presence, no one really knew how to engage with the poor orphan boy as they did with Hamilton.

"Hmmm." Aaron made a noise as if he were contemplating the issue at hand, finding out a way to word his phrasing that didn't overtly seem like a total cop-out like he was hoping for. "I think I like the look of Elizabeth Schuyler, although her older sister, Angelica, looks like she would beat me up with her overly pointy shoes if I even breathed in her direction."

The Schuyler sisters were kind of famous all around the school, first of all for being the daughters of the headteacher and also because they were all ridiculously multi-talented over a branch of different things from education to politics to their presence to their charity work. They were brimful characters with much to say and much to do, and Aaron was both envious and stunned in awe by them, they were everything that he'd wanted to be when he'd been younger, which was silly if he thought about it since they were all relatively around the same age as him, although the youngest, Peggy, was still in her final year of middle school.

"Angelica is quite feisty and overprotective of her siblings, I'd agree." Another freshman, named George Eacker, agreed with a nod of the head. "One time, a sophomore approached Peggy when she was just a grade 7 in middle school and Angelica verbally hammed the dude so hard, he broke down and then started blubbering with tears down his face. After that, he also started to speak in Schuyler feminist lingo every time someone so much as looked at him for a millisecond."

"She's a national treasure." Aaron joked with a tentative smile on his face.

"Not as much of a national treasure as Ogden's BLT looks right now." Bellamy joked right back, throwing around an affectionate arm around the silent Ogden's shoulders. The other boy simply rolled his eyes before offering Bellamy one of his slices, the latter whooping in the hallway as he bit down into the layers of the sandwich, silencing him for one of the first moments in that day.

But not for long as he started to speak again with his mouth disgustingly full, ugh.

"Shut your gob, you bellend. The crushed food looks disgusting in your gaping maw; it's enough to make me want to puke." Eacker slapped a hand on Bellamy's head, the latter crying out in blasphemy at the pain as chewed up crumbs of bread and the different ingredients spewed from his mouth. Thank God, Aaron hadn't been walking in front of the duo and was simply behind them so that he was out of the spittake direction

Aaron shared a look of exasperation with Ogden before settling with a smile on his face.

* * *

 

As the weeks rolled by, Aaron couldn't help the sinking feeling that Alexander was leaving him behind, but he just couldn't be sure or determine that to be completely what the other boy was doing. Although they'd picked basically all the same classes, they'd realized with horror that most of them didn't coincide and that they'd have different teachers teaching the subject content.

At first, Aaron had tried his best to hang out with the other boy as he could, but the other boy started becoming more and more distant to him, denying opportunities to meet up during lunch under the apple tree or walking to classes together. Aaron supposed he shouldn't be so lonely or greedy for attention since Alexander was still in a few of his classes but he still felt a rock of undeniable sickness as he realized that they were growing apart so quickly and so one-sidedly. It was like quicksand and Aaron had no chance of survival.

Alexander had been his best friend for the past years that they'd known each other, and Burr had let Alex in like he'd never let anyone else. All of the scars and troubles and trauma that he'd ever faced were spoken to the understanding boy, usually in quiet tears or blown-out of proportion panic attacks that accompanied his neverending tears. Alexander had seen him when his family had died, one after the other, he'd seen him when he'd seen the bruises, felt the swelling of it.

But Alex never spoke a word about himself, had never even tried to speak about anything truly personal at all even - especially - when Aaron asked. There was simply no reciprocation and although he wasn't expecting the boy to tell him his entire life story, it would still be nice to be fed even a morsel or something after so many years of humiliating crying that made Aaron feel like a baby.

Aaron didn't know what he'd done wrong but he'd long since realized that it was in his best interest to never voice these fears out-loud, no one would be sympathetic and he'd be labeled as a faggot or a fairy for wanting to cling on to Alexander, a boy of all people. He didn't want to be outcast by the remaining acquaintances he did have, because just because he didn't mind being alone, didn't mean that he was completely armored or liked to be eating alone at lunch or having no one to partner up with during group activities in class.

But nothing made him feel better as he saw his suspicions coming true when he began seeing Alexander sit by the same crowd of students who were smoking weed on the first day of school in the school cafeteria.

He felt hot tears sting his eyes as he realized that although Alexander had refuted Aaron's request to eat with him and his friends in the canteen, he was more than willing to bend for the requests of people he barely knew or talked to during middle school. What had taken the ultimate icing on the cake was the fact that not long after school started, during classics, Alexander had chosen to swap his seats and sit closer to the group of boisterous assholes who's scents made his eyes water on a bad day.

When he'd made eye contact with the other boy in question, Aaron whipped his head back into the conversation at hand, mildly scowling and choosing to blink away the stray tears from his eyes by placing another fake smile into his face to his friends who had all been wrapped up in some other conversation and hadn't even noticed that Aaron wasn't contributing his part. Except for Ogden who'd seen the entire silent exchange and had wordlessly rested a comforting on Aaron's shoulder, as they were sitting next to each other in the hall.

He just wanted his best friend back.

 

* * *

 

Autumn was fast approaching and the boiling hot heat had finally started to cool down to the city's more cool temperatures. It was a relief from feeling stuffy and gross - although that could simply have been the body odor from his fellow students who didn't know the meaning of deodorants.

By now, Alexander and he did little but share glances across the classrooms and hallways, though Aaron was often the first to turn away from the resonating weed and the vague smell of other drugs that Aaron didn't want to know the names of, the smell had started permeating from him like it had first done with the other boys in the class. Aaron had to stuff down a feeling of disgust and helplessness but had no idea how to address his best friend about it. Alexander could be unreasonably cold when he wanted to be when someone would tell him to do something. Aaron didn't imagine that that conversation would go great.

Aaron was walking to his Statistics class one day when someone had grabbed his arm, to which he jumped in reaction.

"Alexander." Aaron breathed out, calmly as he could, shifting his eyes away from him and on to the ground. Fuck, he wasn't ready for a confrontation never much a conversation!

"Aaron." Alexander nodded his head, not letting go of the arm in his hand even though he had Aaron's attention. "I need to speak to you about something."

"I have class right now and so do you." Aaron shook his head, trying to dislodge the grip from his hand and trying to move to get to class on time.

"Please, I need to tell you something," Alexander begged, and Aaron stopped moving from sheer shock itself. He'd never heard the other boy beg for anything, much less Aaron's attention.

"Fine, but please keep it brief, I don't want to make this a habit." Aaron bit his lip as he stood to face the shorter man.

Aaron stood watching as he saw Alexander collect himself and then recollect himself once again, preparing for a debate, a war and a conversation with his best (former?) friend. But then he straightened his back and looked Aaron directly in the eye, an intensity that scared and jarred him. "Aaron, I know I've been wrongfully ignoring you, for the past few weeks, but I beg that you forgive me." Alexander looked at him from under his eyelashes.

"Why," Aaron said, gritted it out, feeling another sting in the insides of his eyes. "Why should I forgive you for making me feel so alone? Why did you ignore me?"

"I- I, Aaron." Alexander gulped, a bob of the throat that offhandedly distracted Aaron for a bit. "I knew that you wouldn't like me talking to the stoners at all, so I just wanted to stop the confrontation or a falling out - I was just honestly curious about the experience, I promise I won't ever do it again. Please, Aaron."

Alexander reached up on his tiptoes, and clasped Aaron's cheeks with an imploring look in his eyes, "I promise, please forgive me."

Aaron crumbled like a tower of cards and he felt his body slump, with a slightly sickly sticky feeling of relief. "Fine. But you have to promise that you'll never do that again."

"You know it, Burr." And when Alexander looked to kiss his cheek, Aaron accidentally turned his face so that they kissed on the lips instead of the cheeks as Alexander had originally planned. A euphoria of panic struck Aaron as he stared wide-eyed, not even parting their lips as the pair stared at each other, pretty openly in shock? Horror? Delight?

Instead of letting his face go, Alexander instead deepened the kiss, taking control as he demanded entrance to Aaron's mouth. It was sloppy, wet and disgusting and he was breaking all of his rules and being late to class for Alexander, but something about it made Aaron buckle at the knees instead, as he crumpled once more and ducked his head.

When they finally let go to breathe for air, Aaron was panting with wide eyes and Alexander had a look of satisfaction on his face that folded into something more serious as he looked at Aaron with a stale smile, "Nobody has to know about this, okay?"

Aaron nodded his head, frantically under Alexander's will, "Yeah, of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Down the rabbit hole we go, thank you guys for being so patient about my late update, I'm going to pick this back up throughout the holidays and hopefully finish it soon after or during.  
> Young Hamburr is literally so bittersweet in this like;; can you imagine  
> also liberty high is literally the most generic high school name but i couldnt be bothered to think of a better one.


	8. you should be here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander's prelude to the story where he reminisces and gets high. (When is he not high?)  
> chapter 8 [edited]

In The Hamptons by Transviolet;

yeah, i'm not one to get violent;

i'm a pacifist, still low-key,

but i'm still imagining, my brains on his carpet.

* * *

 

  
If Alexander laid on the (uncomfortable) couch and looked up at the peeling ceiling of Laurens' dorm room any harder than he was trying to do now, he was sure that he was going to enforce a migraine unto himself from all of the thoughts that he had in his head. The freckled boy had given him a few painkillers to take but that wasn't what Alexander really wanted to focus on. He had run out of time in the most unexpected ways; perhaps unexpected but it mattered in all the ways that meant it had counted for something, and the knowledge of the fact that there was no repairing, no going back this time, was heavier than anything Hamilton had to swallow.

Laurens had gone to get coffee and donuts for the both of them, not trusting him to come along and not pass out on the middle of the street, as he had shown up at 2 am in the night and had basically all-but collapsed in a dribble of snot and tears on to Jackie's reliable shoulders.

Which was fair enough reason for the curly-haired man to leave him to sleep restlessly and wake up to a quiet dorm and a note that had been placed next to where he'd slept on the couch, as the freckled man had initially looked overwhelmingly confused about Alex's appearance at his doorstep, but the expression had been overpowered by the fact that he was more-so concerned about Alex's well-being than the fact that he'd woken him up at ass-crack of dawn.

Reluctantly, Alexander had relented in John pulling him into his dorm and together they'd sat together on the ratty old couch that John had taken from his home in South Carolina, John whispering words of quiet comfort into Alex's brown curls which stunk of the weed that he'd smoked before high-tailing out of his dorm, unable to take the quiet tension that had drowned the room in terse silence, with Aaron doing his best to pretend that he was sleeping in order to ignore the fact that Alexander had gone through two blunts and knocked back an unknown leftover pill from back in New York, in the space of less than an hour. It said more than anything in volumes than anything Alexander could write palaces and wars about.

The quiet words that John had to offer would have ignited a feeling in his heart at any other given time but Alexander could see and hear little but the thudding of his own heart and the gross sobbing that he kept choking on every few seconds or so.

He'd known that whatever Aaron was choosing to do was a long time coming - it was not a decision that the indecisive northerner had chosen to pick on a whim or a fancy, it was something that he'd probably stewed over long months or even years - but it still felt like a shock, a surprise when the decision had finally been made. Even people that Aaron had barely met like Mulligan knew that once Aaron had decided on something, it was practically cemented in stone.

Alexander knew better than to complain about it. He had no right. He'd forfeited that when he'd asked Aaron to hide their relationship from the public eye when he'd fucked around with not only countless of guys and girls but also the very integrity of Aaron's respect and trust with the way he had chosen to come out. Alexander knew that the way he'd handled the pressure of being outed had been downright cruel to all of the innocent people like Eliza and Aaron in his life.

Maybe he'd earned Eliza's forgiveness eventually, grudgingly, (it was still awkward hiding from the girl's probing inquiring eyes whenever they'd go out for coffee when he'd go back to the Washingtons' for the holidays) but Aaron had dealt with it the only way that he'd known how and that was by freezing the other man out.

He'd dropped off the face of Alexander's life during the last few remaining months of their senior year in high school, had changed his number and did his best to avoid him; he hadn't even shown for his own graduation, and Alex had known because he'd kept a hawk-eye glance everywhere to make sure that he hadn't accidentally missed the darker-skinned man.

In fact, if Alex hadn't picked Princeton on his gut feeling, he was sure that Aaron would have successfully erased his existence out of Alexander's life and never resurfaced again. Which is probably what he'd planned to do and Alex had thrown a hamper in his plans, as always. An immovable object meeting an unstoppable force.

Seeing Aaron for the first time since time had stopped had filled his life with color once again, unwittingly. It had restarted it again and Alexander could feel it itching under his skin. The other man had taken his breath away physically (and it wasn't just because he had to lug all of that heavy luggage to the third floor of the building) with how much he'd changed and how much he hadn't. It was like seeing a black and white photo in color, like hearing for the first time.

He had wanted to leap into Aaron's arms right there and then, cuff him to his own person so that he would never ever, ever leave him ever again. There was an urge to just grab the taller man's face, map it and recheck every groove of bones, rediscover every checkpoint that he'd missed from the inside of his very soul when Burr had gone, and feel the smooth vibrations from Burr's throat against his cheek whenever he spoke. He wanted to leap in joy, lean up and down on his tiptoes with a grin from ear to ear because, because this was surely fate, the second chance at everything, a re-do at what he'd messed up, surely?

That moment of euphoria had been destroyed by the cold cut glare that Aaron had given him in a single instance, spitting out cold ice laced with venom, laying down boundary after boundary, ensuring a barred gate that Alex wasn't sure that he could scale or break down. When he'd left for a phone call (to Angelica of all people, of course, when had they even had the time become friends with each other?), Alexander had grabbed his bed pillow and screamed into it for about three minutes before giving up on suffocating himself to death and thus cracking open his stash of cannabis. Smoked it until he couldn't tell left from right, and reality was a far, far off place.

It hadn't gotten better even when he'd come back, in all fairness, Aaron had walked in with a flush of the cold, teeth chattering, and an irritated expression on his face when he was faced with the moral dilemma of choosing to help his ex-lover or turning his back on him without much fanfare.

How had they come to this from so many years ago? Alexander could not help but wonder. What had happened to their baby-faced innocence when they would sit around with a hot cocoa each, poring over countless books, getting lost in adventures, tangled in each other, and the sweet aching way in which Aaron would turn to Alexander as if he were the sun to his sunflower?

When had the roots dried up and the petals started decaying out of their buds, the soil becoming barren and in fact almost poisonous? Aaron had always been a sweet vibrant yellow in Alexander's eyes, his light almost blinding in the way that he'd committed to him long before those feelings had ever become more than platonic, and Alexander had been a deceptive green, a snake lying in a field of grass.

Aaron's trust became addicting over time, had been the first thing that Alex had latched on to (it wouldn't be the last) since the moment they'd ever laid eyes on one another, the high from the open way the reserved boy now man that Aaron had once looked at him was worth more than any high he could ever get from weed, a better trip than LSD or speed. And Alex had pushed and pushed him into an inescapable corner, to see how much further Aaron could take before he tipped and everything sank to the bottom. Alexander had held everything in his hands once and had lost it all the same too.

It had been a true experience, and if he'd believed in god at all (even in the disconnected way that Aaron did), he would have counted their relationship as a religious -spiritual. Alex was sure that it only happened once in a lifetime and would never ever happen again.

Before, Alexander might have mocked the way that people spoke about it, with a longing wistfulness in their eyes for a time gone by and softened voices that said that nothing measured up to it ever since, if ever again. But now he knew better, could finally understand why they'd stared at him in the pitiful way that they had. It was this fated relationship that framed the way one searched for love after it ended, the little quirks, the energy. Alexander knew he would spend the rest of his life trying to find the same brown eyes in countless lovers and that he would fail.

John Laurens matched his speed, and the fateful day that Alexander had stumbled upon the freckled boy (he was really just a boy) lying on the footsteps of their dorms, snoring heavily, Alexander had known that they would get along. He had a strong admiration for him since that encounter and more since that much was undeniable, the way that he'd taken his dysfunctional background and let it fuel him, setting himself on fire for whatever that may come. It was the same way that Alexander liked to live his own life.

John - or Jackie as he liked to nickname himself - was a nice distraction from feeling the feelings that he did for Aaron. Helped well to ignore the fact Aaron was drifting away even though he slept perhaps five meters away from himself. But that's what he was. A distraction. A break. Thinking of Laurens like that made Alexander feel a deep deep guilt from the inside out because he was sure that John thought that this was the budding of a long-lasting relationship. Just like Aaron had once thought too.

And Aaron. When had he met Jefferson of all people? When had the southern curly-haired France-fucker have the chance to charm Aaron? Of course, he knew the answer to both question because they were one in the same.

The stupid debating society event that Alex had been declined an invitation to, of course, Alex knew that the other man had gone with Theodosia and her lover Maria, that was something that he'd stalked Maria's Instagram story on. It was somewhat of an experience seeing Aaron behave so openly, refreshing really. Aaron hadn't sassed him like that since nearly two years ago. And another was also the fact that Aaron liked refined things, things that gave perspectives on all different matters, opened up his third eye or some shit. Whatever. It wasn't something that Alexander had never known about Aaron. It was one of the reasons why the indecisive dude was so indecisive.

And Jefferson - the fucker who spent hours perfecting a speech and backup points because he was a nervous motherfucker who didn't actually like public-speaking - who Hamilton had known had wrongfully gotten the place on the panel that his friend Lafayette should have gotten was basically sophistication in a mop of curly hair. Aaron practically - probably - saw the giftbow wrapped around the taller man's neck and all. Money talked and Thomas was loaded filthy enough to buy out the spot for the speaker.

Alexander closed his eyes and breathed out through his nose, really, really felt the throbbing of the pain behind his skull, and then reopened them once more to the dorm room opening with John juggling two cups of coffee and a bag full of doughnuts.

"Morning, John." Alexander took a page out of Aaron's book and chose to talk less, smiling more.

"It's good to see you relatively alive, bro." Jackie nodded his head at the mess of a potato he was on the couch, walking to where he was to set the stuff down on the small table kept in front of the couch for purely aesthetic reasons. (Alexander faintly recalled John telling him that months ago.

"Haha, you have no idea." Alexander grinned, then closed his eyes to block out a faint feeling of sickness from the bottom of his stomach that he was sure wasn't completely just the aftermath of the cocktail of drugs that he'd taken the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> owo whats this??? an alexander pov? totally random and shorter in comparison to my other chapters ikr but aaron needs a break from all the angst that im unloading on to him.  
> also i did well on the chemistry mock which is surprising?? now to wait for the asskicking im bout to receive from maths and physics. see yall next time. (i hope you guys know that i have little to no plan for this fanfic and its just going off the rails now???? like im enjoying it tho.) i hope you guys will also like this upcoming burrshington fan fic that i'm writing, basically a mob fic since ive wanted to do one of those for aGES with syndicate washington and escort burr. (and it'll involve planning this time!)


	9. he wants to be in the room where it happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron burr goes on a date with thomas jefferson and it does NOT end up in burning flames

 

Love by Lana Del Rey

doesn't matter cause it's enough, 

to be young and in love.

* * *

 

If Aaron had to pick a single flavor of ice-cream for how he was feeling inside for this date, he'd have to pick the cookie dough flavor for sure. One because everyone loves cookie dough, just like how he was feeling about the morning date but two also because it was practically salmonella solidified for human consumption, which meant that he was also feeling pretty queer on the inside as well. It was an emulsion of excitement and terror and Aaron wasn't sure what he felt more.

He had changed his outfit perhaps twice in a span of ten minutes, and now he was stalling as he looked at his remaining choices as it was considerably hard to choose anything else out of his closet when his closet mostly consisted of greyscale jumpers and knitwear. (He would think of asking Angelica to help expand his wardrobe but he was unsure of the dent that she was going to place in his pocket if she had the chance to go haywire with his colors and outfit-coordination. And also he didn't want to tell her about his coffee date with Thomas because she was absolutely going to Grill him for information.)

His eyes flickered towards the empty spot that was Hamilton-shaped as he bit his lips in introspection of where the other man could have possibly disappeared off to into the middle of the night. But Aaron was sure that the other man had simply gone to Laurens' room because they were practically joined at the hip. It was an odd feeling because there was now a barrier to what area of topics that he could converse with the other man. Even though it had been so many months since they'd last seen each other, it was still weird to see their broken dynamic play up in real life. Before he would have initiated a conversation at will and he would have let the other man infiltrate his personal boundaries without much thought. But even the thought of saying a greeting to Alex seemed as though it would be similar to drinking broken pieces of glass.

Aaron shook his head physically. It was no good thinking of the man who had ruined how he felt emotions permanently. Instead, he chose to turn his thoughts to the southern Thomas Jefferson who looked like a prince charming and although was opposite to his own personality, they shared a complementary vibe that made him feel out-of-depths but still within his crafted limits. With Thomas, he saw a new beginning, a fresh breath in spring where things had the potential to grow where they'd previously decayed.

Shakily, he knotted each button of his collared-dress shirt into his hole, pulling on a blue jumper on top of the layer. His phone vibrated with an incoming message and Aaron practically leaped to be able to read it. It was from Ogden and Aaron could feel his eyebrows furrowing from absolute confusion. His old high school friends had basically cut him out when he'd been outed and Aaron hadn't spoken to them since, and that included the tall quiet friendly giant who he'd felt akin to. He drummed his fingers on the screen before reluctantly swiping to read the message.

* * *

  
**matthias.ogden:** can we talk sometime soon?  
**matthias.ogden:** i have some things i want to explain.  
**aaron.burr** is typing...  
**aaron.burr** is typing...  
**aaron.burr:** You and the rest of your friends were pretty clear about everything that had gone down with me. I am not sure what else you want to explain except a decent reason for the blatant homophobia and isolation that all of you put me through when I needed you guys the most.  
**aaron.burr:** We burned our bridges a while ago.  
**aaron.burr:** Don't talk to me ever again.

* * *

  
With that, Aaron muted their conversation with a deep slumping sigh that partially ruined his good mood. It had taken him so long to be able to take a stand for himself; he'd let everyone around him make fish bait out of him and his lack of hard skin, and here was one of the very same people who had thrown him to the sharks when all he'd wanted was someone to care without any pre-requisites expected of him but no, of course, everything had a price and Burr had learned finally that no one was really your ally when it came down to it. You only had yourself to rely on. It had taken so many wasted years but he'd finally learned his lessons. He had no forgiveness in his soul to give for those seeking redemption to soothe their own feelings. His mind flickered briefly to Hamilton's agonized face the other night and shook his head even harder. Fuck that guy.

He was still holding his phone when a new notification buzzed through and he almost threw his phone out of the window with how badly he had jumped but he caught the device with his other hand, thankfully; his heart beating in his throat with the sudden rush of adrenaline.

* * *

  
**tall_glass_of_water:** Hey, this is Thomas from the other night?  
**tall_glass_of_water:** I was wondering if you've left your dorm already?  
**tall_glass_of_water:** Not that you have to feel obligated to leave your room for the date, I just mean if you're still coming.  
**tall_glass_of_water:** fuck, I didn't mean date  
**tall_glass_of_water:** I mean I kind of did but I didn't want to assume anything.  
**tall_glass_of_water:** SO I'm just going to stand over there and shut my mouth

 

* * *

 

Aaron blinked at the sludge of messages with a newly found amusement before finally gaining the sense of self-awareness to reply for god's sake, Aaron.

* * *

  
**aaron_burr:** I mean  
**aaron_burr:** I was kinda hoping that it was a date but like   
**aaron_burr:** No pressure???

* * *

  
Thomas had originally named himself as Tjeffs on his phone like Maria had called him the evening before but Aaron felt the new nickname suited the tall glass of water with the dazzling smile far, far better than the previous. Aaron had sent a message around 7 am to ensure that Thomas had also gotten his number just like he'd gotten the taller man's, and so wouldn't be left floundering around in confusion swinging between the prospect of meeting up or not.

It was weird how quickly easily Aaron had been endeared to Thomas Jefferson. It was like one moment he was being charmed out of his metaphorical pants and the next he couldn't help but see so much of himself in the other man. The smooth charming gentleman from the night before had dissolved into a mess of a human being every time he typed a single sentence and Aaron wondered how much of Thomas' persona was crafted meticulously much like his own. He couldn't help but relate to the seemingly put-together man with a sense of camaraderie.

 

* * *

 

 **tall_glass_of_water:** That'd be great!  
**tall_glass_of_water:** I'll meet you outside of your building?  
**tall_glass_of_water:** Not to like  
**tall_glass_of_water:** Presume anything or.  
**aaron_burr:** I'll see you there in ten minutes? **:)**  
**tall_glass_of_water:** Of course!  
**tall_glass_of_water:** I can't wait to see you again!  
**tall_glass_of_water:** Even though I know I just saw you for the first time last night.  
**tall_glass_of_water:** I'm sorry for my word vomit,,, I'm just a giant giraffe in disguise, ugh I'm kinda nervous if you can tell?  
**aaron_burr:** It's okay, I'm just excited as you to meet up again. I'm sure it'll be just as good if not better than last time.  
**.**  
**.**  
**.**  
**aaron_burr:** I'm making my way out now if that's okay?  
**tall_glass_of_water:** Of course, I'm nearly there!

 

* * *

  
Aaron grabbed his plaid scarf (and other essential items) to complete his look, giving himself one final look of judgment before finally jetting out of the dorm room with a bounce in his step, each step feeling like he was stepping on a cloud instead of the solid ground. He didn't want to hope too high just in case things didn't turn out the way he wanted them to but still, he couldn't help but want - crave - things to work out this time. This time he was convinced it was different because he was willing to take his time with this one, there was simply something in Thomas' eyes that implored him to believe in him.

He wouldn't be rushing into anything headfirst for a long while yet. Every milestone in their relationship would be well-worth it, well-fought and achieved.

On his way out of his dorm building, he spotted John Laurens juggling with a bag of what looked like Krispy Kream doughnuts in one hand and two cups of coffee in the other as the other man walked to his dorm in the opposite way that Burr was heading towards. So his suspicions were confirmed in that the other man had spent the night in the freckle-faced man's dorm. As they passed each other, Burr did little more than giving Laurens a brisk nod before hightailing it out of there before the man did something disastrous like starting a conversation.

* * *

  
John Laurens had gotten the backend of Alexander's roommate before the man had legged it out of there as if he'd seen a ghost when in reality it had only been John. And John had looked around and checked too. It was only him in the corridor, which was to be expected as it was a Saturday and most students chose to lie in. He shrugged his shoulders, it wasn't like it was his place to involve himself with Burr, the other man had never chosen to hang out with him and John didn't want to force a friendship where there was none.

If anything that seemed like a better course of action to take because the times that he'd been in the presence of both Alexander and Burr, the tension had been high enough to cut a sponge cake neatly, and John wasn't sure if he was quite talking about the animosity or the unresolved sexual nature. It was enough to make him uncomfortable because he wanted to be the one to capture and also keep the attention of Alexander Hamilton. But Burr wouldn't leave Alex's mind and that jerked John's chain. Even when they were alone together, Burr still managed to pop into Alexander's mind and conversation like a wandering specter. John wondered for not the first time in the months of this budding relationship about what had happened between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. (And if there was any room left in Alex's heart for himself.)

He shook himself, it was no good thinking about things like this when he had the chance instead to pursue it, if John didn't show Alex that he was more worthwhile then it was on himself and no one else. With that in mind, John smiled again and pushed the unlocked door to his dorm open, reciprocating Alex's greeting warmly.

 

* * *

 

Thomas' face lit up as Aaron approached, and Aaron couldn't help but mirror his image in turn. If it was even possible, the other man looked even more devastatingly handsome than the evening before, his curly hair that had been flowing past his shoulders was now in a bun with deliberate stray pieces of his hair falling down the sides of his face, his fitted purple suit had been replaced by something more casual, a fitted jumper with a collared plaid shirt underneath. He was so caught up in taking in Jefferson's immaculate appearance that he almost didn't hear the, "It's so good to see you, Aaron," Thomas breathed out, taking Aaron's smaller hand in his own and laying kisses on it. Aaron would have blushed but instead, he looked away in a bit of a fluster. "I'm glad you decided to spend some time with me."

"If anything, I'm the one glad that you're spending any time with me at all," Aaron shyly replied, and looked down at his feet, "I know that you have so much more important business that you have to go tend to."

"I have nothing going on right now that can't be rescheduled or be dealt by someone who I trust, I just want to focus on you." Thomas waved away Aaron's doubts, his words melting something inside Aaron's armor, and then held out his hand like the perfect person he was so that they could hold each other's hand as they walked down to Thomas' car in a relative quiet, Aaron's palms were slightly sweaty and he hoped the taller man wouldn't notice. "You're going to really like the cafe that we go to for our date, my best friend Madison is the manager for it and he insisted that I bring you along for the taste-testing session that he's booked me in for."

From what Aaron remembered of James Madison from the night before, he had been a frail-looking man with a kind demeanor and Aaron recalled sincere pleasantries being said. Before long, they were exchanged amused glances at Thomas' naturally flamboyant self.

"He seemed really nice," Aaron remarked, off-handedly, "How long have you guys been friends with each other?"

"Since birth," Thomas answered, swiftly opening the door for Aaron, making sure that Aaron was strapped in safely, "The Jeffersons and the Madisons go way back; I'm pretty sure that we're related too in some bizarre way."

"That's neat having a best friend for so long, I bet he knows everything about you," Aaron remarked, wistfully. He wished he had a friend like that.

"I hope to get to know you just as well, if not better," Thomas looked at Aaron from underneath his eyelashes, voice milky sweet. Aaron breathed through his nose at that smile, biting the inside of his cheek.

* * *

 

  
"What the heck is in this," Thomas scrunched his nose, chewing with disgust as he glared at the strange concoction that he was holding on his flower-engraved plate, before holding out the other half for Aaron to try himself.

When they'd first arrived at the cafe, Aaron thought it was still closed but Thomas had hushed his worries and simply walked in as if it were his home.

James Madison had been just as amicable as he was the previous night, if not more so as he was not stuck in a crowded room with too many people. At the sound of the bell ringing, James perked up as he had just finished setting up the different stations of bakery items that were open for the couple (?) to try.

They were currently on their fourth bakery item and it was entertaining watching each of Thomas' vibrant reactions to them; much better than eating such things by himself (he rarely had a tooth for sugar but he wasn't going to tell the hopeful man that obviously).

Thomas had eaten the strawberry whipping on top of the golden honeycomb shard with much gusto, even going back for seconds. The blueberry elderflower pie was met with the same enthusiasm and so had the raspberry delight. This had been the first one that he hadn't liked, and it was strange how Aaron was interested in how the wrinkles in Thomas' eyes had crinkled up, his handsome jaw grinding his teeth to get the taste out of his mouth.

With unfiltered amusement, Aaron leaned forward to taste the coconut cream gingerbread biscuit, taking a small bite as he did so. His eyes lit up at the weird infusion of the ginger and the coconut and how well they fitted together, like a pair of well-mismatched socks.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Thomas, it tastes pretty good to me," Aaron smiled. He wasn't sure if he was just saying to be a little antagonistic or not.

"Your taste buds are shot to hell, Aaron," Thomas insisted, before noticing a stray fluff of cream on the right side of Aaron's lips, saying, "Hang on just a second, babe." He curved towards Aaron before moving closer to the man, his hand reaching up to swipe at the cream, licking it from his thumb whilst maintaining eye contact with Aaron.

"Is it gone?" Aaron whispered, feeling warm as he tried to move closer to Thomas without making it obvious that he wanted to climb into Thomas' lap. He'd climb him like a tree some other time.

"Not quite," Thomas whispered back, his other large warm hand still rubbing tiny circles on Aaron's face, a warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach as they both leaned in at the same time.

Their lips melded together as if they were from the same clay mold, Thomas' tongue swiping Aaron's bottom lip as he begged for entrance to Aaron's lips. Aaron's eyes fluttered shut like a pair of butterfly wings as he brought his left hand up to grasp at Thomas' shoulder and his right to clench tightly onto the jumper, shivering at the softness of the material before lightly biting Thomas' lip and granting the other man permission to slip and intertwine their tongues together.

It felt so good being held like he was something important for once, Thomas' grip on his hips felt like he was the finest art piece of them all in a museum full of masterpieces. Aaron's spine shuddered as Thomas' fingertips grazed the skin of Aaron's back.

They broke free as Aaron finally panted for air, gaze slightly hazy as he finally opened his teary eyes.

"It's gone now," Thomas' voice drawled, his accent coming out and it did such wonders for Aaron's soul, hearing the man sound as though he wanted to debauch Aaron right there and then, like Aaron wanted him to do so, the only thing holding them back being propriety. Aaron could even imagine Thomas holding a cigar, the steam of the red butt puffing as he stared at Aaron with evaluation. The thought of it made something inside of himself tingle and he tried to push the thought of Thomas domineeringly commanding him.

Aaron couldn't help the wet laughter that bubbled out of his chest as he rested his head against Thomas' comfortable shoulders, giving up all pretenses as he finally sat down on the Virginian's lap, "It sure took you a while."

"Had to make sure I got all of it off, didn't I?" Thomas teased right back, wrapping a hand around Aaron's waist, letting the smaller man rest against his chest.

It was warm and Aaron could see himself getting used to it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- HELPLESS INTENSIFIES -  
> i love my emotionally fragile and lovable son aaron the burr, and by the end of this fic so will you all. 
> 
> so like i went back and hard-core re-edited all of the past chapters of their grammar mistakes and poor sentence structuring of such. i added in a few bits of commentary which is kind of interesting but you don't really have to re-read the story to be able to understand reference points because it only adds more dialogue and description if anything to the story really..
> 
>  
> 
> also im sorry its kinda late, its been kinda hard to write for a few days. 
> 
> anyway,  
> happy holidays :)


	10. shattered rose tinted glasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things happen and shit hits the fan for real this time
> 
> tw: non-consensual kissing

Entering the empty dorm room, Aaron bit his lip in mad glee as he pressed his back against the closed door, bouncing on his toes as he couldn't help a squeal escape his lips too early for him to stop it, pushing the arm of Thomas' peacoat to his nose as he breathed into Thomas' naturally musky scent.

Whilst things had gotten too emotional and perhaps too somber at some parts, Thomas hadn't given him any pity or started handling him with kiddy gloves like he was scared the other man might start doing; everyone else tended to shy away when he'd ever breathed a word about losing his immediate family or the abuse that had followed suit. They'd even traded stories about the scars that they'd gone through. It was just pleasant change, to say the least.

Things had gone so much better than Aaron could have ever expected, he had to pinch himself multiple times throughout the date to make sure that he hadn't somehow dreamt this man up, the man with the something soft in his touch as he held Aaron so dearly, making him feel things that he thought would never happen again. His stomach had flipped every time Thomas laughed or looked at him so intently. He missed feeling like he was important to someone. If he was ever, to begin with.

Perhaps it was hasty to idealize the other man so much, especially when Aaron had such a record of falling for terrible men who had tendencies to ruin him like he was a stain on a favored shirt (okay, maybe one terrible man - sue him), but it wasn't as if he couldn't recognize the others' faults, not when Thomas had displayed his flaws on his sleeves, there for Aaron to see, reassuring him little by little.

Maybe - just maybe this time might be different. Aaron couldn't help but tentatively reach out to hope.

* * *

 

  
When they'd finally settled down and Aaron had gotten off of Thomas' lap with a final kiss that had Aaron seeing cross-eyed, nearly tripping over his feet as he climbed down, with a sheepish smile at the other man who looked back with just as much nervousness. It was weird seeing the confident man behave like he was Bambi, shaking in his feet but it was nice to catch the little tremble in his words, how Thomas seemed so eager and anticipative of what Aaron thought.

"I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to get to know you," Thomas admitted as he played around with his knife and fork, cutting the gluten-free pancake into even smaller squares, switching between eye contact with the food in front of him and Aaron.

"I'm really not as interesting as you make me out to be," Aaron shook his head, finishing his strawberry off with a final chew, tongue swiping at the front of his teeth to savor the sweet-sour flavor. "My life just consists of me stumbling around and waiting for things to happen."

"Still," Thomas protested, in that nervous endearing way of his - shit why was the other man so cute when he was being a bumbling giraffe? It was so fascinating to watch him fiddle with everything that he could find, his restless energy leaking at every opportunity. Aaron wondered if he could grasp it with his tiny fist. "You must have seen at least a thousand things in your wait."

Aaron thought about it for a moment or two and Thomas let him as he cut his squares into smaller squares.

"I think I've seen too much in my lifetime," Aaron admitted with a chuckle, "I'm only in my early twenties and I feel like I've lived over a hundred lives in such short years."

Then he widened his eyes as he realized exactly what he just admitted. Welp, there went the date. He just had to mention some depressing bullshit. Aaron inwardly sighed to himself; he'd always had a tendency to make things rather somber. He just hoped he hadn't ruined anything between the two of them.

"I hear ya," Thomas agreed, setting down his fork as he pursed his lips to contemplate just what Aaron had said, "Growing up, I was a sickly kid; I was pretty much in and out of the hospital for much of my childhood and a large portion of my teenage years."

Although Aaron was shocked at this new piece of information, Aaron also knew the other man didn't want pity so he didn't say any type of condescending remarks.

"I've seen enough of hospitals to never ever want to go back to one ever," Thomas continued, "At one point, I think I basically lived in the children's ward for six months straight."

"Hospitals have an uncanny way of smelling and feeling like imminent sterile death," Aaron ruefully bit his lip as he thought back to how he had dropped everything and rushed to the hospital, dialing his parents' voicemail just to hear them say their little messages one more time, had nearly crashed into the doctor in charge in his rush to get to the designated room that his parents were supposed to be in.

The doctor who'd just left the room had looked at him with overwhelming pity. That's when Aaron had just _known._ It was like Aaron's world had crumbled and folded on itself. The doctor had been saying words but Aaron couldn't hear a single syllable that had come out at all, the words muted as he went into shock. That had been the calm before the storm, Aaron mused.

"They're the reason why I'm such a kookie oddball of a person; I behave like a socially inept person because I technically am," Thomas admitted with a weak chuckle that Aaron didn't put much stock in. "It's only given me one really good thing, apart from my saved life, and that's my friendship with James,"  
  
Aaron tilted his head. "He was sickly too?" He'd suspected so all along, there had been something frail in the way Madison had moved around, the softness like ice cream that melted on a hot summer's day.

"We saw each other so often that they had to put our hospital rooms next to each other so I'd stop complaining about it," Thomas chuckled, this time fondly as he thought about the memories. "When I was having mind-numbing migraines that meant I had to constantly shut all sources of light out, Madison was right with me, having his own seizures. It sounds morbid; I know but it was like some sort of solidarity that we had against the world."

"No, I understand," Aaron shook his head as he bit his lip. If you'd looked at the young man in front of him, you'd never had guessed that he'd been ever poorly at all. "Do you still have your migraines?"

"Yeah, they've gotten a little better over the years but it can get pretty intense if I'm not careful," Jefferson gestured around them and Aaron was a little startled to realise how dimly lit the room actually was, "Usually I can tell when I'm about to have one of my episodes but Jem always likes to be careful anyway."

"If you were to have one right now, how can I help you?" Aaron asked. The other man had bit into his last square of the pancake as he settled his fork on the table, chewing thoughtfully.

"Turning off the lights and blocking all possible light sources is a major one," As Thomas said so, Aaron noted it, eagerly listening to the other ways that could help Thomas that could possibly ease his pains. "I'm also kind of sensitive to a lot of foods."

"Oh..." Aaron looked down at the plates of food that were scattered on the table for them to choose, "Will this hurt you?"

"It won't be too bad as long as I don't eat anything that might trigger my migraine and James makes sure to not add anything that might make it difficult for me," Thomas waved away Aaron's concerns. Aaron breathed a little more easy at the clarification, he didn't want Thomas to be suffering for the sake of their date.

"I'm just glad that it's not as periodic as it used to be," Thomas said, scrunching up one of the tissues with the floral patterns on the sides, wiping the sauces and the remnants from his hands. "There was a time when those used to last hours at a time and I wouldn't even be able to move."

Aaron opened his mouth then closed it. What was an appropriate response to someone telling you about something dark in their lives?

Thomas peered towards Aaron when there were two beats in between his response, took one look at the confounded man and couldn't help the snort that escaped him, "You look so unsure right now... I'm sorry if I just made the entire date thing super awkward."

"No, no, I'm pretty sure I did that when I talked about my crippling lack of will to live," Aaron couldn't help but laugh, breaking the quiet of the cafe.

"A pair of misfits aren't we?" Thomas beamed, reaching out to touch their hands together on top of the table, sunshine and all.

"I'd have to say we are, after all." Aaron dutifully sighed, curling his pinkie into Thomas', grinning happily, bursts of happiness into his stomach like ripples on a lake.

 

* * *

The door thudded open and Aaron nearly jumped out of his chair and skin when he'd heard it slamming against its hinges.

Alexander had stormed into the room, looking about ready to fight someone as he did so. He lasered onto Aaron and stopped himself at a distance, clenched fists at his sides, red eyes blotchy with tears as he breathed heavily, staring intently Aaron in ways that still made his stomach flip with anticipation and anxiety.

"John said that you went out," Alexander started out, voice hoarse as it was evident that he'd been either shouting at someone or screaming before he'd come back to their dorm, still full of anger.

"I didn't know I had to tell you in advance to leave my room," Aaron clenched his fingertips into the bed of his palms as he tried to not let Alexander get to him so easily.

"You used to tell me things," Alexander cried out, hands wiping furiously at the tears dripping down his eyes.

"I used to do a lot of things for you," Aaron couldn't help himself, the hurt still very real and still very painful under his skin, despite him thinking otherwise. The flashbacks of all the times that he'd dropped everything for Alex in a heartbeat, put him over himself, his studies, his life. What Aaron had felt for Alexander was once in a lifetime and had been very, cruelly real. "You never appreciated it before." _You never appreciated me before._ Aaron bitterly didn't add on but with how Alexander took an involuntary step back, Aaron knew that Alexander had heard it anyway, the genius.

"You had me in the palm of your hand and you knew it but you still played me like a toy," Aaron couldn't choke back, his eyes involuntarily stinging as he gritted out, acid on the ulcer, "The worst thing about it all is the fact that I let you."

"Aaron, no," Alexander cried like he felt anything for once, scrabbling for the words that were escaping him, "I love you, I love you so much if you would just give me a ch-"

His stomach flipped as he felt his heart in his throat, knees weak as he fought to stay upright and strong, and Aaron cursed himself for caring at all.

"If you'd told me that before, I probably would have stayed," Aaron couldn't help but say, the words flowing out of his throat like it was not his own. Where were all these words coming out from? "I'm glad you didn't, for the record." At least that was one of the few dying virtues that Alexander had granted him.

"I'm so sorry that I never told you," Alexander's body shook as he shuddered with the wracks that were running down his spine, "I'm so sorry that I outed you to save my back, God I'm so sorry, Aaron, I didn't know how much it would hurt you, Aaron - "

"Save your apologies for someone who wants to listen to them, Alexander," Aaron cried out, furiously as he stood up, striding towards the shorter man. God, why couldn't he have told him this when things were fixable? Why now? "Because as far as I'm aware, this all down to your manipulative, cunning, undermining re- mmmph!"

Lips met in a fiery tangle that had Aaron seeing the stars and the supernova of a dying sun. Alexander had desperately grasped Aaron's hips as if Aaron would disappear if he'd budged even a little with the grip leaving Aaron to wince at the touch and taste the blood in his tongue with how hard they'd crashed together. No matter how much Aaron struggled, Alexander refused to relent and the taller man could feel his resolve breaking as the tongue gently lathed over the slight cut on his lips in unspoken apology.

But as he closed his eyes, he saw the image of how shyly Thomas had linked their arms, the way the man had looked down in absolute giddy, had kept looking back to make sure Aaron had really been there and had not been a mirage or an LSD experience, how he'd insistently wrapped his coat around Aaron's slender shoulders at the sight of him shuddering in the cold, the coat that was still hanging on the back of his chair if he turned back to look. With strength he didn't know that he had, he pushed Alexander with all of his force and breathed out heavily through his nose as he saw how the other man stumbled back, in shock.

Burning bile filled his throat as they breathed heavily. The door was still open wide for their dorm mates to hear their personal issues and Aaron struggled to not break down into a panic.

In the quiet, someone pleaded out a, "Please."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uuuuuugh this took me weeks to write but here you guys go. hope everyone's had a good new year and that this year treats them better.


	11. the feeling of inevitability part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alexander is a pos as usual, and feelings are spilled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the delay, hope you enjoy x

Aaron whipped his head towards the open doorway and felt his stomach clench uneasily at the sight of the freckled man who was looking at Alexander with tainted betrayal in his eyes. The silence was biting, the shallow breaths easier to swallow over time but that didn't make the bile any easier to take.

It was in John's heart-wrenching eyes, tears that clung on to his lashes, suggesting that he'd started crying long before happening upon them. Aaron couldn't help the pity that ran through his bloodstream. Another unwitting victim to this man's trap.

"Alex..." He breathed out, broken like shards of painted glass on the floor, smashed, revealing a myriad of emotions. "Please tell me that what I saw wasn't what I saw."

Even though it hadn't been Aaron's cross to bear, he still looked away, ashamedly, heart thudding as he realized how he was on the other side of the perspective. Fuck.

The man in question was stunned, both from Aaron's decisive push and the reappearance of the crying freckled man.

"I-I... John," Alex couldn't say anything to ease the pain, "I'm sorry, I don't know what I can say except that I've always been in love with Aaron."

John stepped back as if he'd been physically hit, emotional bullets that promised nothing but pain and misery rained down on him harder than May showers.

"All along?" John swallowed the lump in his throat as he blurrily stared up at the other man, his fingernails indenting defined nail marks on his palms as he tried to stay strong. "You weren't serious about me from the beginning?"

"I was but - but..." Alexander tried, wrapping his locks around the tight grip of his fingers, in frustration as he looked around for the words to all of the feelings that he'd kept caged up for so goddamned long, trying to stop the plummeting of his heart as he stared longingly at Aaron and how the other man frantically looked away. "Things changed, I'm sorry, John."

"Things... changed?" Aaron had never seen the freckled man so angry, the way his spine straightened as if he'd been whipped to do so. Barely keeping composure to hold himself from bending over in tears. "You wrapped me up on your tiny little finger and had me dancing to your tunes and now you're just gonna leave me behind like I mean nothing? I let you into my heart and I told you everything! How could you do this me, Alexander?"

And that in itself laid the problem. Alexander was so stupidly selfish, a glutton for any temptation that lay at his feet, welcoming anything and everything no matter what ruin he created with a twist of his clever tongue and eyes. How could anyone tolerate the amount of pain that the other man brought them? His charming smile was slimy and his love only promised terror and destruction wherever it traveled.

It was tragically comical how Aaron remembered their final confrontation before he finally chose to tear their relationship from the roots up. The anger that had taken his soul had left him feeling so tired, so angry, so distraught; it was as if a void had opened up beneath his feet and he'd been swallowed right in. If someone had brought John a mirror, Aaron was sure that the reflection of who he had been months ago would be staring right back at him.

"I can't explain the way Aaron makes me feel, he makes me feel alive, no feeling could ever compare, John, please you have to understand, I wanted to move on, I really did, but when I looked at Aaron, all I could remember was how he looked when he was in love with me, and how I felt - still feel - the same!" Alexander looked like a man on a mission to wreck everything as he tried to persuade John that it hadn't been his fault.

"Don't you dare bring me into your problems, Hamilton," Aaron hissed, a desperate itch to run away building under his skin as he tried not to punch the audacious words leaving Alexander's lips, "I told you months ago that whatever we had was OVER, it's not my fault that you could never see what you had until it was no longer in your reach. Don't you dare say you love me when you didn't reach for me until I was long gone, fuck you."

He breathed heavily as his shoulders shook with pain or with the releasing knot in his chest that had settled within the crooks of his heart. He stared at both John and Alexander with a deep pain in the wounds that had been ripped open; he was bleeding for all of them to see. John's eyes were wide open at the normally placid man cursed.

"Aaron, please you don't mean that you couldn't possibly mean that!" Alexander pleaded, taking a step forward to Aaron as he tried to fight for his case.

"What will it be to make you give up?" Aaron pleaded in turn, clenching his fists as he tried to think of anything that could make Hamilton leave him alone in peace and quiet and that was all that he wanted. "What can I do that will convince you that our relationship is ash and dust, that any positive feeling that I had for you has dissipated to pain and resentment for what you've done to us?"

"Nothing is fixed in stone," Alexander saw the closing doors and he was damned if he was not going to fight for them, it was the least of what Aaron deserved, "You can't possibly make me think that what we had is not worth at least a TRY, Aaron, you loved me once and I fucked up so badly but I can do better, you have to believe me, the things that I would for you, I would carve out the universe for you and lay it at your hands."

"Your words are certainly beautiful for someone who makes a promise in one breath and tears it up with another." Aaron couldn't help it, he looked down at his feet. His day had started out  _so_ good and Thomas, god, Thomas had been such a sweet guy, had made him feel nothing but warmth and kindness. It had been so long since anyone had handed that to him without expecting or wanting something in return.

Was he stupid for wanting to be held as if he was loved and cherished for? Was it his mistake for believing that he could do anything better than Alexander Hamilton? He raised his eyes as he took in Alexander's red-rotten eyes and then flickered over to John who looked just as heartbroken.

"John deserves so much better than you can give him, than you ever had the courtesy to give either of us," Aaron uttered, unclenching his fists as he sniffled hopelessly, looking at John with deep-rooted empathy, "What you need, what you deserve is a fuckload of therapy to make you realize that you can't just treat people like they're expendable and then backtrack when you realize that you regret all the ways you ever chose to treat them."

"I do regret the shit that I've done, Aaron, it drove away the best thing - the best person - that ever happened to me, I want us to work out so badly," Alexander looked like he believed what he was saying and Aaron could have died, "You make me so happy, every day that I have spent alive was better with you."

"Were you ever even genuinely happy to be telling me this?" Aaron bit back, confusion filling his head, his heart in his throat as he registered exactly what Alexander was trying to say, "If I really did then how could you destroy our happiness in a blink of an eye? Or was it only ever your own happiness that ever mattered to you?"

"Please, Aaron, you matt-" Sick and tired of Alexander's platitudes, John cut in as every part of his heart was being shattered into tiny minuscule pieces with every word was being said. God, how could he ever have believed anything that the other man had ever promised to him?

It was so obvious how besottedly obsessed Alexander was with the darker-skinned man, even when he'd just become friends with the Caribbean man, it was obvious with the offhanded way that Alexander tracked Aaron as if it were in his nature to do so, how much Alexander coveted the pieces of information that John had to give him. The way the short man had reacted to Aaron's friendship with Theodosia, the date with Thomas Jefferson. God, how tightly had his eyes been blindfolded that he couldn't see what had been smacking him right in the fucking face?

"I think you've said and done enough, Alexander," John struggled to breathe out, as he looked over to Aaron, "I think Aaron summed up perfectly exactly he wants you to do; leave us alone if you want us to be happy."

Aaron looked up in shock, lips parting in shock as he realized that John was on his side.

"I'm leaving," John declared, wiping away his tears decisively, but looked at Aaron with hesitation as he stopped in his tracks, "Let's grab a hot drink, Aaron?"

Stumbling over his feet, Aaron nodded his head frantically, anything to get out of this stifling room. "Yeah, yeah, let's go."

He grabbed his (Thomas') coat and together, John and Aaron fled the dorm room, leaving behind a distraught Alexander who crumpled on to the floor in panicked tears as soon as the door thudded shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> owo what this???? burrens friendship????  
> bros gotta have bros backs yo
> 
> how'd yall find it? I devour feedback.


	12. the feeling of inevitability part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron and john chat over hot chocolate, memories resurface and alexander is a dumb ass like always

Aaron noticed that they'd been inadvertently holding hands to John's dorm. They hadn't let go even when they'd crossed the threshold to John's kitchen and Aaron couldn't stop noticing that although Laurens was shorter than him, he still possessed the calloused large hands of a sculptor. It felt nice against his skin. The silence had been quiet but comfortable, and Aaron had always been afraid of breaking things that weren't his to do so.

As John let go of their cupped hands, he turned around, his bushy curly hair swinging by his shoulders when he did so. "Aaron, we have to talk." If they hadn't walked out of an argument-torn room, Aaron would have been afraid that they'd walked straight into another argument waiting to be unleashed.

"I'm aware, Laurens," Aaron fiddled with the loose thread of Thomas' coat, he'd hugged it to himself and even now there was something relaxing about the pinecone scent that wafted to his nose. "But I was promised a hot drink and I think we both need some sort of reprieve before we knuckle down on what the fuck just happened."

"I'd never thought I'd hear the day when Aaron Burr would swear," Laurens tried instead after a beat of contemplative silence. "You always sound like you've got a dictionary stuck up your ass but you're right. What would you like to drink? I've got hot chocolate, green tea or coffee."

"A backhanded compliment is an insult in its bareness," Aaron pointed out before sitting down on the chair that Laurens offered him, saying, "I'd like hot chocolate if you don't mind?"

"It's cool, bro, I make the best chocolate in the house," Laurens assured him, pulling out the cabinet drawer and grabbing the two mugs, the hot chocolate powder, milk, and sugar. He flicked the kettle on and they waited in relative silence as the noise began to fill the room. As soon as the kettle turned off, Aaron watched Laurens buzz around as though he were a chemist taking out precise measurements and filling this mug with that. He watched in a bit of a daze as Laurens settled down the mug in front of him on the counter.

He took a hesitant sip, the mug was still quite hot if anything and was pleasantly surprised with the rich supple taste of the chocolate as the flavor filled his tongue. "This is quite good, you could sell the recipe for a fortune."

"I usually tend to put alcohol in it for a bit of a kick but I thought better of it for tonight," Laurens joked as he sat down beside Aaron with his own mug, taking a few sips at a time as both men thought of what to say.

Aaron had always thought Laurens to be the most sensible out of the group of four, although, the other three had the impulsiveness of three-year-olds with sparklers in their hands, so it wasn't quite hard to seem the most level-headed. Aaron could have bet that if not for Alexander's friendship with Laurens', he could have seen the budding of a friendship with the well-spoken yet brash man. Laurens had passion in his soul and Aaron was always attracted to people with a cause in their eyes. Look at Angelica, Theodosia, Maria, Thomas and even (mostly) Hamilton. Their spark lit something up in himself.

Aaron had thought that all hopes for a semblance of friendship had died when he'd seen the look of fond amazement in John's eyes. Maybe there was another shot at this.

It was easy to be trapped in a look that told you that you were all that was worth anything. Aaron didn't blame him but couldn't stop the feeling of grime when he'd saw them interact intimately for the first time.

That night he'd scrubbed and scrubbed with his loofah but he could still feel the way Alexander looked at Laurens' from under his skin follicles. It wasn't a matter of jealousy. In fact, far from it, if anything, Aaron wanted those eyes to never gaze upon anyone like that ever again.

Manipulation was easy when Alexander's charm dug so far out into someone's veins. The Burr leaflet that had been spread around the school had destroyed him, in all effectiveness. Physically and emotionally. Alexander had left no memory unturned, in fact, he had written it at all out for the world to see the dirtiness of their relationship, every memory, every touch, every secret. It was there for the world to see.

At first, it had been disbelief, although Alexander had always been a little thoughtless, Burr had never believed that the man could have been so callous, so cruel in the way that Alexander had written him out to be, malicious intent or not. Angelica had dropped the leaflet on his desk, could it even be called a leaflet when it looked like a short novel?

* * *

"95 pages," Angelica had scorned, looking hatefully at the piece of paper as if it would burst into a pile of burning pages if she'd willed it to. Aaron had no doubt she wouldn't be able to. "He's written 95 pages defaming you and my sister, Aaron."

"What?" He'd replied, shell-shocked as if he couldn't understand the language the eldest Schuyler was speaking. "What are you talking about?"

"Your boy, Alexander Hamilton, wrote a sex scandal post on his fucking blog," Angelica spittled out, fuming at the mouth as she downsized the essence of what the other man had said, "He outed you, detailing the post about all of the sexual endeavours you both got up to, framed you for your first time and basically blamed you and Eliza for all of his little misdeeds and his cheating, the fucking creep, I'm going to rip his balls out and shove it down his fucking throat, so help me God."

"You can't be serious." He had said, pleadingly. Although the whispers behind hands, and the snarkier than the usual way people had treated him finally made sense to him. But it couldn't be, could it? Alexander, although he'd never said it so, cared for him, didn't he? He wouldn't slather their private life for the world to see, would he?

"It's written right there for the world to see, Aaron, I'm so sorry." Angelica sighed into her hands, a scowl infecting her usually optimistic method of behavior. "He's crossed so many lines and I'm going to make him suffer."

Then had come the fiery anger that flushed through his veins. How dare the man? How dare he? Everything that they'd ever chosen to do had all been consensual, everything had been reciprocal; fuck, Alexander had been the one to initiate the whole thing in the first place. How could he do Aaron so dirty like this? Aaron had wanted to come out on his own terms, now he would never have the choice to decide on how. Alexander had snatched that right from him so easily, carelessly.

His eyes skimmed over the details over the leaflet, if he chose to truly read the entire leaflet, he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop the tears bubbling at the corners of his eyes and he would not give the assholes surrounding him any more ammunition than the 95 pages worth of dirty material that they had on him.

'The charge against me is dealing with the rightfulness of my sexuality and that of my relationship with Elizabeth Schuyler.' Aaron skimmed the first line and could already feel himself about to cry. 'My real 'crime', if I were to have committed any in the first place, is my amorous connection with Aaron Burr, who I've been seeing for a considerable time with Eliza's knowing consent.'

What the fuck was he reading with his own two eyes. What the _fuck_? How could he put any sort of half-blame on Eliza Schuyler, one of the only people in the school to not treat him like gum under their shoes? Yeah, he had Bellamy and the others, but they were slowly starting to deliberately drift away from him and he had no idea how to make them stay. He didn't want to seem desperate and Eliza had been one of only the kinder forces in his life, second to only Angelica Schuyler. They'd both taken him under their wings and had helped him out when he was eating lunch alone or with homework assignments when he didn't understand a topic or theory. (Angelica had even brushed back many tears when she'd first found out about Aaron's and Alexander's illicit affair.)

He felt anger for Eliza. The girl had nothing but kindness in her heart and she was one of the purest souls to have walked the halls of Liberty High. Alexander was muddying her name through the shits without giving her a single thought.

'I had frequent meetings with Burr,' And now he was Burr? He had always been Aaron, despite their estrangement, he couldn't help the force in which he crinkled the paper, giving himself a papercut that bled slightly on to it. 'We had sex multiple times throughout the transgression of our high school careers.'

Aaron couldn't read any of the filth anymore and he threw away the pair from his desk in despair. "I can't believe he did this to me." His voice was wobbly as if split apart in all the different ways that fruit jelly was prone to do under enough applied pressure.

"We'll make him pay, I promise you, Aaron." Angelica laid a comforting hand on his shoulder but all Aaron could feel was the building pressure of dread in his stomach and the contradicting numbness that came hand in hand with it.

* * *

 

Shaking himself out of his memory, Aaron looked down as he realized that he'd finished the cup in all but five minutes. Sheepishly he also realized the curious way John was looking at him. He felt a slight nauseous feeling but pushed it down in favor of turning towards the man fully, breathing in and out like Angelica had taught him to do.

"I'm ready to talk." Aaron nodded his head.

"Where do you wanna start?" John asked, tapping his finger lightly on his own half-empty mug.

"You should start from the beginning." Aaron half-suggested, half-pleaded.

"Okay," John agreed, surprisingly easily. "At the start, I thought you hated Alexander because of a dorm-related issue; I thought you were judging him and that made my hackles rise so I decided to not like you either."

"That's-that's fair," Aaron breathed out through his nose. "You couldn't have known about our past history and I don't expect Alexander to have given you any sort of backstory about our failed relationship."

"Alex never even mentioned it." John painfully laughed, looking away as if it hurt to look at the situation with complete straightforwardness. Aaron didn't blame him and gave him space to breathe. 

"Then, I started getting jealous of you because - fuck - Aaron you took up that boy's mind like no other," John gritted out the painful memories, "He mentioned you in every single conversation and then I thought that he had a mini-crush on you because you're suave and handsome and anyone with eyes can see how much of a great catch you are and how I'm not. So I hated you even more."

Aaron choked back at the revelation. "I'm not as great as you think I am. You should treasure yourself better, Laurens."

"Yeah, yeah," John grumbled and Aaron had a feeling that it hadn't been the first time someone had berated him for his low confidence. "Alexander told me that I mattered so I thought to myself that even though he treated me otherwise, he would start treating me better with time and I would be able to ease his feelings for you to me. I should have realized that you can't fix anyone that doesn't want your help."

He'd ended that with a bitter laugh and although Aaron didn't believe that what John had said was all, he wouldn't force the other man to bleed dry every information he had about their weird amalgamation of a foreign concept of a relationship. Aaron certainly wasn't going to.

"If it makes you feel any better, I wanted to tell you about the human equivalent of a trash can Alexander was but I didn't know how to approach you about it," Aaron weakly offered, wiggling around in his chair.

John stifled a snort into the mug and sipped the final dregs of the hot chocolate without much complaint.

"Alexander and I," Aaron started then stopped, stared at the bottom end of the brown liquid that had gathered at the bottom of the mug. "Alexander and I go way back to when we were just kids. I fell in love with him in high school and I thought he had as well. I was wrong. He cheated on me multiple times and then proceeded to force me out of the closet in his tell-all blog post that ensured that I would take the fall for all of his stupid mistakes and become the social pariah of the year until graduation. In short. I was an idiot to believe in Alexander."

John whistled lowly, feeling a sense of compassion fill the crevices of his stomach down to his stomach. Although that could have very well just been the feeling the hot chocolate left behind. Although John probably knew it was the former rather than the latter.

"That shit sucks, he can go choke," John delicately said. "Want me to go kick his ass for you?"

"I'll help you," Aaron replied with light amusement peppering his tone.

"Cool, I'll hold him down and you can kick his balls in," John bluntly plotted, patting the taller man's folded hands lightly before walking over to put both their finished mugs into the sink. He'd wash the mugs later when he could be bothered to. "Wanna watch a movie and stay over? I'm sure you don't want to go back to the hellhole that's your dorm."

"I'd really appreciate that, thanks," Aaron agreed, readily again. They looked at each other with conspiratorial smiles. It was the first smile that they'd ever given each other and Aaron felt happiness at having gained a friend.

"White Chicks or Mean Girls?" It was a statement more than a question.

"Both, duh?" Aaron responded.

"Good answer." John grinned as they made their way over to the couch that faced the TV. "I'm ordering Chinese in a few hours if you want anything."

"Do I ever?" Aaron smiled widely and they both wrapped the separate blankets that Laurens kept on the side table for occasions like these as they settled on the couch next to each other like bean bags . 

They hadn't told each other everything that had happened but they'd told each other enough and that was enough for the other to understand.

* * *

  
With bated breath, Alexander waited for the phone call to get through. It rang thrice before the grating voice answered, "What's up, Hamilton?"

"What do you have in your supplies?"

"No welcome at all? That's disappointing, Hamilton, I thought we'd become such good friends?" The voice teased, mockingly.

"Just tell me what you have on you right now." Alexander gritted his teeth, almost beggingly.

"Do you even have the money for it?" The other person deadpanned, and Alexander could even imagine the asshole looking at his nails as he antagonized the other man even more.

"I do," Alexander gripped the phone tighter, "This is the last time I'm asking you, King, or else I'm finding another dealer."

"Pushy, pushy," The British man simpered but chuckled in that infuriatingly high-pitched squawk he called a laugh, "Swing by later, I'm supposed to be getting a new shipment. Bring cash."

"Done." Alex breathed out, cutting the call and sitting on his lumpy bed. He looked at his phone and could feel himself suffocating.

He needed to get out of his own skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -throws confetti- surprise!!!! double update !!!!
> 
> i feel bad about how slow this is going to update in the next few months if i don't have it completed before pre-exam season so im trying to pick up the pace . 
> 
> alexander is a dummy. someone help this poor child.


	13. chasing thrills, taking pills in the hills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: drug overdose, (talk of) unhealthy relationship dynamics, suicide attempt (TBC)
> 
> messy, messy, messy.

Alex wondered if the heaviness in his chest was metaphorical or actual as he pressed a clumsy hand against his beating heart and winced at the effort and the throb that assisted it. He lazily blinked and couldn't help the lackluster tired laugh that escaped him. How had things turned out like this? He had just wanted Aaron back but that seemed more and more like a pipedream that he would never be able to accomplish. Maybe it was too late for them.

* * *

  
The morning after the impromptu sleepover, Aaron woke up feeling groggy with a sense of disorientation of where he was. When he saw the freckled arm wrapped tightly around his waist, he blinked even more in confusion and then belatedly realized that he'd shared a bed with Laurens' for the night.

He looked over at the alarm clock by John's bed and saw that it had only just hit 9 am, peering out the window he saw the dark grey day and frowned to himself. Something didn't feel right and Aaron could tell.

Shaking the sleeping beauty, he untangled himself from the bedsheets, saying with a calmness he didn't feel, "I'm gonna go back to my dorm now." At John's non-committal response, Aaron picked up his belongings and walked out of the door, closing it gently behind him. As he approached his dorm, the feeling of dread increased in the pit of his stomach and he wondered what he would find. The hallways were quieter than usual and he couldn't help shivering at the unusual coldness that had entered the building. Maybe someone had left the door open to the apartment block and it had let a draft in?

But nothing in his wildest imaginations could have prepared him for the crumpled form of Alexander on the floor, drying foam in his mouth as his body let out a twitch periodically. It was like opening up Pandora's box and seeing your worst nightmares come to life.

Aaron sobbed into his palm and felt his stomach drop as he rushed to where the broken boy - because that really was who he was - and felt the slow pulse in his neck. He had to push back the sickness that was threatening to erupt when he spotted a non-descript bottle of pills of various shapes and sizes spilled near the other man's hand. Fuck.

Shaking with terror, he touched the cold of Alexander's cheek and wanted to scream at the man for doing this to him. "Don't leave me," He whispered, his heart hurting as he dialed 911 as quickly as he could, gently wiping the sweat that had collected on the smaller man's forehead.

* * *

 

"911, what's your emergency?"

"My f-friend's overdosed, oh God, I think I'm gonna be sick, please send help."

* * *

 

 

George and Martha rushed down the hospital corridors, hearts in their throats ever since they'd gotten the call for Alexander's overdose and subsequent hospitalization.

The lanky frame of a figure curled on in himself that they hadn't seen in over a year startled the pair of them as they reached room 501 like the nurse at the reception had directed them.

"Aaron?" George called out, in surprise, "What are you doing here, son?"

Aaron's head snapped up at the paternal tone of George Washington, the person who'd become like a second father-figure in the absence of Aaron's own father in his high school years. George had been the one to sign his reference forms for God's sake.

"Ge-George, Martha, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault," The dried tears on his cheeks were washed away by the oncoming new onslaught of renewed tears, and he pathetically couldn't help the choking sobs that hiccuped out of his throat.

"What do you mean, son?" George asked, furrowed brows as Martha stepped forward to wrap a warm arm around the boy who couldn't stop the shuddering wracks.

"Me and Alex, w-we fought and then I left and then he called his drug dealer and I only came back in the morning and saw him on the floor, oh God, I can't do this, it's all my fault." Aaron hysterically said, his breath shortening as he breathed in and out in sharp intakes.

"Well, I'll say, Aaron!" Martha joined the conversation and Aaron just wanted to wrap himself in the familiar comforting southern accent that she spoke in. "Alexander is a person with his own agency like you, you didn't forcibly tell him to take the drugs did you?"

"N-no but I drove him to it!" Aaron whispered, wrapping his arms around himself. "You should've seen the way that we were arguing, Martha."

"You didn't do anything, buttercup, Alexander's always been an impulsive boy I agree but he's not your responsibility to look after," Martha shook her head as she wiped away the free-falling tears on Aaron's face. "You've both been through a lot with each other and despite how much he's put you through, that still didn't stop you from caring so much about him, honey."

"I should have told you both that he was taking unknown drugs," Aaron couldn't help but say, "I knew he was spiraling out of control but I kept telling myself that I didn't want to get involved with him again and look what happened, he's getting his stomach pumped and we have no idea if he's even going to make it."

"Alexander's stubborn enough to pull through," Martha said, "But as soon as he's able to, we're sending him to rehab and therapy; you're not a therapist, Aaron, I can't imagine what it's been like for the past few months."

* * *

 

The light of the operating room turned off and Aaron immediately straightened his back and stood up when the doctor in charge walked out.

"Well, it's good news," He began, and Aaron could have cried out in relief, "If you hadn't found him when you did, young man, he would have passed from a cardiac arrest but we managed to restart his heart and pump the pills from his stomach."

"What does this mean now, doctor?" George asked, clutching his wife's arm, tightening the grip without noticing.

"He's gonna wake up in a few hours and he's mostly out of the danger zone," The doctor paused, "He's a very lucky boy, most overdose patients become vegetative but we found him uncannily on time before the oxygen could stop reaching his brain and other vital organs."

Aaron wiped his tears as he felt a grounding relief at the good news. "When can we see him?" He asked as he bit a hangnail in nervosity.

"You can see him now but he'll likely be still unconscious from the morphine dose we used to hold him under," The doctor replied.

"Thank you so much for all your help," Mr. Washington thanked profusely, reaching out to give a handshake, "Our boy wouldn't have made it without you and your team's efforts."

"I'll be sure to pass your thanks on," The doctor shook his hand firmly before bidding them a goodbye.

George and Martha turned to Aaron, sharing an unspoken conversation before Martha said, "You should go home and get some rest, Aaron, we'll call you if anything changes."

"But," Aaron argued, he wanted to be there when the other man woke up, he wanted to see Alexander alive and fighting again. He had to be there when the other man opened his eyes, he had to realize the pain that he'd inflicted on everyone that had cared about him. Fuck. Was it accidental or on purpose? Aaron couldn't help but think. It couldn't possibly be on purpose, could it? Alexander was a fighter, a survivor, just like him.

"But, nothing," George argued back firmly, "You've been worried sick all morning and afternoon and you look fit to sleep for hours. Go home, Aaron, that's an order from a person worried about your wellbeing."

"You'll definitely call me when Alexander wakes up, right?" Aaron asked, feeling the need to definitely make sure that they'd inform him.

"We'll call you on Alexander's phone," Martha nodded, then said with a soft tone, "Please don't blame yourself for what happened, Aaron, you both will make it through."

Aaron nodded with unshed tears as he gave both of them a hug before he left, wanting to crumple up in both their embraces. He just wanted to sleep now.

As he walked past the operating room, he couldn't help but peer in and see how frail Alexander looked in that pale sterile room of death, all folded up in blue hospital gown and drawn into himself, lips pale, barely breathing. He looked like a small gust of wind could blow him away 

God.

What had Alexander done to himself?

What had they both done to each other?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp yeah, that happened. im sorry this is tres short but i felt like it needed that poignancy.
> 
> haha jokes on you guys (and me. Mostly me.), it's still in the air whether or not its gonna end in jeffburr or hamburr hahahahahahhahahaha (-cries-) when the time comes i'll know.
> 
> so we can all establish that alexander is fucking stupid.


	14. where's my mind? maybe it's in the gutter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A storm's brewing and the tumultuous situation crackles on.

Aaron rushed into their shared dorm room, taking shelter from the flash flood of rain that fell with the ferocity of a thousand drums. Soaked to the bone, he could feel his clothes dripping on the wooden floor but with everything that had happened and had yet to come, he could barely spare a fuck to give. In the doorway, he stood apathetically, cold shivers running down his spine as he realized the futility of it all.

Even despite the fact that Aaron had tried so hard, god he had tried so fucking hard to move on, Alexander was under his skin like he was a part of him, a phantom limb that still caused him to ache from inside out. It wasn't fair. He knew that he deserved better than anything that Alexander had to offer. Roughly, he wiped away the hot stinging tears that poured down his eyes, uncontrollably.

"He can't do this to me again, fuck, he can't do this again," Aaron whispered to himself, hugging his shivering arms around himself, cold inside.

Aaron hastily, shakily, searched for his phone in his coat pocket and entered his pin with shaky breaths, before hitting call on Angelica's number with a beat of hesitance. He was sure that the other woman had better things to do than speaking to him. He was sure that he wasn't as important to her as she was to him.

"Schuyler speaking," Her crisp collected tone answered the phone and Aaron could have sobbed in relief at hearing a familiar voice, immediately releasing the tension in his shoulders at the sound of her calming voice. All the Schuylers seemed to be blessed in that department.

"A-Angelica?" Aaron breathed out, voice raspy and thick with the weight of the tears that he wasn't allowing himself to shed. "Are you busy right now?"

"You know I'm always here for you, Aaron, what's going on?" Her voice suggested that she was focusing her entire concentration on what he was saying, in that subtle way of hers. He wasn't intruding on anything was he? "I just got into my condo."

"I should have just left the country and gone to another college instead of staying here like you told me to do from the beginning," Aaron whispered as if saying those few words were a betrayal of some kind to the cold air that the words disappeared into. "Better yet, I should have just disappeared without a trace like I told myself that I would do."

"Don't you dare speak to yourself like that, what the fuck, Aaron," Angelica said, and Aaron could picture the way she probably furrowed her eyebrows when she thought that you were wrong and she was about to obliterate you with all the different reasons why. Aaron remembered seeing her fiercely debating against Alexander with the same type of wit and terror, it was terrifying how they both went head to head against each other countless of times like they did it every other day.

"What else can I do when everything is such a - such a mess and it's all my fault?" Aaron slumped into his bed, ready to fall apart with the drop of the pin, a hat.

"I'm going to give an educated and what would be considered a completely wild guess if I didn't know you and if I didn't know him when I say that this is probably about the asshat of the century, isn't it?" Angelica bluntly asked and Aaron let out a throaty gasp of a chuckle through the choke of the sobs that were still running through him. Trust her to always be able to make him laugh.

"What gave it away?" Aaron satirically asked, "The gross sobbing tears that you've only seen me cry when it's about him or the way that I'm always on the edge of a breakdown these days?"

"The latter - no the former. Wait, both. All the above. That's my final answer," Angelica said into the phone and Aaron heard the crackling of the faint signal echo back into his ears. "What did he do, this time?"

"What he always does, doesn't he?" Aaron couldn't help the frustrated sigh, he would have ripped out his hair by now if he had still kept it as long as before in high school. "Only this time, he's managed to nearly kill himself in the process of getting what he wants."

"The boy's done what now?" Angelica snapped and Aaron could hear the faint scraping of a chair and shuffling sounds that indicated that she'd sat down at the news.

"You heard me right," Aaron bit his lip as he looked out at the stormy skies that flooded it. He watched the tiny dotted figures rushing around like ants to find shelter from the cold and the rain. "He pumped himself full of unknown drugs and I walked in and watched him nearly die." He let out a laughter that was all-too-bitter and reminiscent of old memories that he'd never wanted to think back on.

"Impulsive son of a bitch," Angelica cursed, before muttering in the phone, "I'm gonna need to be a whole lot more drunk for this conversation than I thought I would need to be. Dealing with anything Hamilton-related requires a strong relaxant so that I won't be too tempted to punch him in the jaw and/or the family jewels."

"You've summarised what I feel about him on the daily basis, how did you manage that?" Aaron sniffled with a teary smile.

"I'm your best friend, darling, you'd do well to not underestimate me of all people," Angelica scoffed, humor-filled tone lacing each word.

"What should I do?" Aaron asked, pleading for any type of advice that Angelica might have. Anything to take the decision out of his own hands. Anything he decided by himself always had a way of fucking him over in the end. Best to let someone else decide big decisions for him rather than making a mess of something that could be handled efficiently by someone of a better caliber than himself. Aaron Burr. Human disaster. Same difference. The cold had settled in him by now, the shivering he does doesn't do a damn thing to warm him up.

He hears Angelica's silence and knows she's thinking like she always is, her mind so much like Alexander's. It works at a thousand miles per second, expansive and larger than anything much like herself. She's probably wondering how badly Aaron was fucking up his own life without her guidance. She'd be right, of course. He clenches the blanket in his bed, letting the softness of the covers grounding him from spiraling away.

"What do you want to do?" She asks instead of giving him a response. Aaron could cry at the openness, the blandness of her tone as she's speculating. Her words always target what he's trying to not think of. She knows him too well. She can read him too well.

"I..." He says after the brief passing of time, trying his hardest to be brave like he's always wanted to be. She listens to his words with bated breath and he speaks.

* * *

  
_Uh-hey? It's Thomas Jefferson, the guy that you went on the date with a few days ago? What am I saying, of course you know who I am, why am I even introducing myself like this? Ugh, never mind, ignore what I just said for the like the past thirty seconds. I was just calling to find out how you were doing, I would have texted you but you haven't responded to my texts from all that while ago and I wasn't sure if it was because you weren't getting your texts or not. I asked Theo and Maria and they said I should probably just give you the call like I was planning to do from the beginning. Oh, god, I'm talking so much. Anyway. I just wanted to know. If you kind of, uh, wanted to go out anytime soon again? No pressure, obviously, I just wanted to get to know you. I really like you, Aaron, please get back to me soon? Thanks, I'll see you later._

 

* * *

  
John Laurens knocked on the door of the dorm room and waited with a continuous impatient tap of his foot on the wooden floor. The door opened and his eyes softened at the sight of the rumpled Aaron.

"Hey," John breathed out with a smile, holding a plastic bag filled with junk food. (Hot Cheetos and everything because goddamnit, it counted as a type of seasoning for white people like himself, Aaron.)

"Hey," Aaron replied, rubbing his sore eyes before letting the other man walk into the dorm room, feeling oddly frailer than before. There was surprisingly something sturdy about the genial freckled man. Or maybe it was just the fact that he'd woken up from his six-hour nap. He felt like he could have even slept even longer but Angelica had told him to hang out with someone for a little while as she sorted things out for him like always.

"I got the good stuff, you got the films right?" John asked as he settled the food down on the bed before taking off his slippers and pulling on his pale green bathrobe over his outside clothes. "Please tell me you've got good films, right?"

"I've got Netflix, go wild," Aaron yawned into his hand, flippantly telling the other man the password to his laptop as he shuffled to the bathroom to brush his teeth to at least try and freshen himself up.

When he didn't hear any of John's comebacks, he hastened his washing up routine up and poked his head out of the bathroom door, inquiring, "Is everything okay, John?"

The freckled man raised his head like the ricochet of a bullet hitting metal and Aaron instinctively took a step back. The other man held Aaron's phone in his hands, and from what Aaron could understand, Alexander's contact name had sent him a few messages.

"What's going on with Alexander?" John asked, staring at the phone screen like it would give him the answers if he demanded harshly enough. "What's going on, Aaron?"

Aaron breathed out through his nose and looked down at the floor, waiting for the ground to swallow him whole before looking up weakly, "Didn't you see the ambulance and the police come down to the dorms?"

"I was flat asleep, Aaron, I didn't wake up until two in the afternoon," John flatly replied, rubbing his eyes as he stared down at the pixelated screen that had faded into neutrality from the lack of use. The words that had been sent were useless to anyone who hadn't been given any type of context.

"Oh," Aaron mouthed out, hunching in on himself. Gods, John hated him, didn't he? He'd ruined another friendship, hadn't he? This was surely some record-breaking streak of the fastest way to end a friendship, wasn't it? "I'm sorry that you have to find out like this but."

John examined the man in front of him, he looked like he would droop on in himself. He couldn't help but feel the twinge of protectiveness that flooded his senses. Goddamnit. Aaron Burr was making him feel all of these feelings and it wasn't okay. Especially when he needed answers.

"But what?" John impatiently pushed on, standing from his place in the bed. If anything, the taller man shrunk back on himself as he stared at John with wide watery eyes. "What happened with Alexander?"

"He's in the hospital because of an overdose," Aaron spilled before he could phrase himself in a delicate way. He immediately flinched as if waiting for a punch or a slap. After all, he was the one who had found the young man lying listlessly with foam spittling from his pale blue lips.

"And you're only telling me this now?" John harshly took a step forward bursting with restless energy as the news of his boyfriend - was the other man even his boyfriend anymore? - settled in his stomach like drinking oil. "God, Burr, how the fuck did that even happen?"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you any sooner, I-I thought you knew, I'm sorry," Aaron tripped over his words. He didn't want the other man angry at him.

"Fuck, I need to think," John grabbed his stuff and stormed to leave the room, stopping after a thought entered his head and he turned to the other man to leave behind a few words, perhaps a bit hesitantly, his fingers clutching the wood of the door tightly, white knuckles, "I'll call you later, Burr."

The door closed shut and Aaron was alone again like he'd always been. The ringing silence as the conversation dissipated like frosted breaths in winter mornings. He just couldn't do anything right, could he? Maybe his uncle and aunt were right when they'd said that he was a disgusting disgrace, there was no way he was going to be able to upkeep the Burr legacy with the honour that it deserved.

His head rose at the sound of a message being sent to his phone, carefully, he tapped the unlock button on his phone, eyes lingering at the background of his family's family portrait that they'd taken a few months before the accident. It still hurt like hell and time wouldn't heal anything at all. It had done a poor job of healing him and all his mistakes. He would never learn.

He shook his head as he felt the familiar stinging of his eyes again, he wasn't going to cry again, he didn't _deserve to_ for goodness' sake. He read the messages waiting for him and felt his heartbeat stutter as he finished the final sentence.

* * *

 

Alexander_Hamilton: Good evening, honey, it's Martha.  
Alexander_Hamilton: The poor boy's just woken up and he's been asking for you.  
Alexander_Hamilton: Would you mind coming in in the afternoon, if you can?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor aaron :((( i just want to hug the poor boy and pat his little head and assure him that he's going to be okay.  
> poor laurens :(( poor thomas!! :(((
> 
> sorry for the late-ish update, hope this is a good chapter for you all :) also spoilers guys; this is gonna branch out to have a sequel so stay in tune for that when this part ends.


	15. and i might let you break my heart, if i don't break it first.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron breaks everything in his path. Alexander watches.

Aaron walked into the hospital hallway feeling like a dead soldier walking, hanging on for the sake of the rest of the squadron. Squared up, Aaron rolled his back as it ached from the unfamiliar way that he'd slept on it the previous night. He remembered how he curled up in his wet soggy clothes, passing out to wake up strangely in the middle of the night, shivering and grinding migraines that could have rivaled his senior high school year.

After he'd hung up with Angelica, he'd profusely cried into the bed covers, and well fuck propriety, he'd already tracked wet puddles into the dorm room, what was one more little mess? It was strange. The Aaron of before always made sure that he left no signs of his presence behind him. He'd worked hard to become a ghost before. But now? Now, he couldn't help the feeling of tiredness that seemed to have become one of the only constant things in his life left, he was tired of having to hide behind an illusion of neutrality and perfection.

Even a city away and the holds that Timothy Edwards and his past life had left chains behind that trailed along his ankles no matter how hard he tried to run. It was probably a self-defeating fate when he realized that part of the reasons why those invisible chains pulsed with vibrancy was because of the infuriating Puerto Rican man that had trailed after him like a lost abandoned puppy.

He couldn't stop the anger, unbidden and unrestrained that showed in the curt way he thanked the taxi driver, how hard he'd slammed his dorm room shut, the way he had to stop himself several times just to be able to take a gasp of sufficient air. What right did Alexander have on him to behave as though he had grounds to do so? He couldn't explain the feeling running through his veins of utter exhaustion.

The result of the aftermath of his conversation with the eldest Schuyler sister had been emotionally draining, the confrontation with John had siphoned what little reserve of energy he had left and he'd spent the rest of the morning pacing back and forth in their room as soon as he'd read the texts. All he could do was wait for Angelica to get back to him about what she'd been able to do for him again. Maybe this was the coward's way out but if you'd taken one glance at Aaron's pallor, it would have been self-evident that this was a measure of self-defense, not retribution.

At first, he'd been unsure of whether or not he should even bother going, after all, he owed the other man a bowl of absolute nothing, nothing at all. After all that he'd done, all that he'd said, Alexander still wanted more. More, more, more. Banging on the metaphysical table, like a baby crying for more food, Alexander wailed on as though Aaron was going to be able to fix him. As if Aaron even had the resolve to fix himself most days. Did the other man even know how hard Aaron struggled to pull himself out of bed to attend his lectures? It was amazing how self-involved the other man was. What was even more amazing was how this fact surprised him on every instance of realization.

'Get real,' He thought to himself bitterly. His naive belief in Alexander Hamilton had been hopelessly shattered in freshman year and he'd taken him back like a dog playing catch every single time. Every time that Aaron had taken him back, the shorter man did well to stomp on every last piece, ensuring that the scars were permanent and there to stay. No amount of scar serums would be able to massage away the darkened discolorations away from his heart. Marks that Alexander was sure to have been pleased to carve.

A small voice inside of Aaron's head objected that Alexander took pleasure in his pain but Aaron shook himself out of such thought.

There was no way that the other man could do what he'd done without knowing the effects it would have on Aaron, a fact that Aaron believed from the soul and out.

Alexander may seem like a total bumbling clutz but Aaron credited the man for his intelligence; he was cunning and a mastermind at slipping himself out of trouble. The younger man never failed in choosing every move he'd make with a careful deliberation which was why it was hard to believe the theory of obliviousness. It was something that Aaron had seen in himself, he thought to himself, wryly, almost nostalgically.

Aaron had always been an idiot when it came to the younger man though. It was something that everyone had known when his sister had still been there, she would often rib him about the boy and the way Alexander reigned power of him with ease. Aaron had always truly believed that they'd been kindred spirits who'd sought each other out in each and every lifetime over and over again. In the dark of the night as a teenager, he'd believed that Alexander and he had been destined to find each other eventually if not from the start of everything. He'd spent many sleepless nights, the bruises trailing and forming on his body from his uncle's discipline, simply lying on his stomach and marveling about how far they were going to go and had also gotten.

Previously, Alexander had lit up the stars that the other man had become interested in quickly devouring and left behind lukewarm sunbeams that barely sustained their weak, weak excuse of a pathetic relationship. He still wondered how the other man felt when he realized that Aaron was not coming back and that he'd left him behind from the complete equation. Had he been angry that his favorite toy had gone missing? Maybe that was why he'd thrown a final gander on getting back what he thought belonged to himself.

Or maybe it was nothing as he'd thought it to be and that Alexander had chosen to inadvertently follow him for his own personal reasons. Maybe the other man had also been trying to move on from the past and it had been Aaron all along who'd thrown a wrench in his works. Maybe he hadn't followed Aaron at all and he was merely trying to get an education from a prestigious institution. Maybe Aaron was just delusional about the whole affair, to begin with. After all, life rarely went as one tried to plan it to be.

His monologue cut short when he saw the hovering figures of George and Martha Washington, conversing in quiet murmurs. Probably about the best source of action to take for the strong-headed boy in the room inside. Good luck. Aaron thought to himself bitterly then berated himself for his thoughts. As soon as Martha caught his eye, she beamed at him weakly and Aaron could see how the past day had worn on at her like a drag of cigarette smoke.

"Aaron, honey, it's good to see you again," Then she bit her lips, taking his cold hands into her warm petite ones, and tentatively added, "You don't look like you've slept very well at all."

"I'll be fine," Aaron waved away her concerns but could feel a continuous strain behind his eyes as he tried to smile at her; he was aware how fake and ill-begotten it probably looked but it was the best that Aaron could offer. Martha would understand. Hopefully. "How is he?"

"Raring to leave the hospital," Martha snorted lightly, "He's been disgruntled and groggy for the past few hours so his departure isn't likely on the cards for a long while yet."

Aaron nodded understandingly, but he could feel the dread building in his stomach already. He didn't want to face Alexander. He wanted to talk to him. A horrifying amalgamation of indecision and Aaron bemusedly remembered how Alexander had always hated his indecision. Well. He was already here anyway. No use in dragging his heels for delaying the inevitable confrontation yet again. Alexander had his ways of getting what he wanted. Something that Aaron was unfortunately very intimately familiar with.

"I'd just like to thank you for showing up, Aaron," Washington spoke up for the first time in the conversation and Aaron stared at the older man in confusion. Why was he grateful for his presence? If anything Hamilton fared better without him by his side. They were each other's downfall, a weak point.

"It's the least I could do after everything's that happened so far," Aaron belatedly replied after a beat too late of silence. "I'll only be a few minutes if you'd excuse me?"

The Washingtons looked at each other knowingly and nodded to grant him access to the room. Before he reached for the doorknob, he took a moment to tell himself that this was going to be a goodbye. No rekindling of hope or fire. There was no way that was going to happen. It was better to destroy all pathways leading to him and Alexander forming even a semblance of pointless friendship at the least. He wasn't strong enough to call Alexander a friend anymore, he doubted that he would ever be.

With a final beat of breath, he pushed the door open and stepped into the sterile room, the blinds still flooded shut but the room lights on. The man of the hour laid in the hospital bed, apathy tinging his expressions and the dull look in his beautiful eyes made Aaron want to cry out in despair. They were each other's fire and gasoline.

The other man lit up when his eyes met with Aaron's and Aaron had to fight an urge to step back at said look. "Aaron," He breathed out each syllable like it were a beloved treasure and Aaron swallowed the countless nights when Alex had made him feel exactly like that. Fought to remember that they weren't good for each other. "What's wrong?" His facial expression screwed up as he took in Aaron's tired demeanor and the way the other man refused to step closer towards the bed, choosing to stay by the door as if he was going to run out at any moment.

"Alexander," Aaron said, the only word that he'd said so far but the other man's spine shuddered and tightened at the breathy way that Aaron had said his full name for the first time in so long. He'd been called Hamilton by the other man for so long that he doubted that Aaron would ever call him by his first name ever again. But something in his stomach revolted, something was about to him. Something really really big and something out of his control.

"What's wrong, Aaron?" Alexander repeated again, already feeling the tears beginning to collect at his waterline, he stubbornly refused to let them fall. "Why aren't you talking?"

"Alexander, I don't know how to say this," Aaron gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing faintly with the audible sound. Alexander traced the bulge eagerly with his eyes even as a sense of dread began to enter his senses. "I didn't come here to fight or to fix anything between us."

Alexander's lips parted in shock as he stared at the other man with a stock still breath and composure. "What?" He finally managed to ask. This couldn't be happening. What was happening?

"We've lost too much for anything good to ever happen between us, look at the toxic way we influence each other into spiraling." Aaron continued on, aware of the way he was tearing down all of Alexander's hopeless beliefs. The other man probably thought that a happy ever after was still in their cards. Hopeless.

"No, Aaron, you can't be doing this," Alexander breathed, scandalized at the thought of Aaron ringing a death knell on them, giving up on them, giving up on him. This couldn't be happening. "I need you in my life, I'm a wreck without you, I love you, Aaron, please." The final syllable breaking into a muffled sob. He was so tiny surrounded by the needles and the IV machine. Aaron knew he was playing dirty by striking him when he was the most vulnerable, not that Hamilton had ever given him the same courtesy but it wasn't like him to stoop down on to the same level. "You're so good for me, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm sorry that I didn't treat you the way you deserved to be treated, please, Aaron."

"I'm doing what's best for you, Alexander," Aaron cried out, hugging himself and trying to fold so that he was smaller than he really was. Anything to slip out of Alexander's woozy but laser focus. How was the other man still perfectly coherent after so much anesthesia, Aaron had no clue to what the answer was. "I love you so much, Alex."

Alex felt his heart remake and break all over at those words. The last time Aaron had said them to him was the last time that they'd gotten high together all those months ago before he disappeared like a specter in the night. Why did this feel like goodbye?

"I love you so much, that sometimes, I don't know what to do with myself," Aaron bravely carried on, he didn't think he'd be able to start again if he stopped at all to take even a pause. "You were my entire world, you were the reason that I even breathed some days."

"It's the same for me, Aaron, you've got to belie-" Aaron raised a hand to cut him off and to both of their surprises, the smaller man did exactly so, his mouth falling shut with a definite sound.

"Please let me finish what I'm saying, I don't think I'll have the courage to do so if you interrupt me again." Aaron looked at Alexander with steel in his eyes, his hands twitchy and shaky like whenever he would get unbearably anxious about anything. Alexander wished he could reach out and intertwine their hands together, to let Aaron know that he was still there at the end of the day and would always be so till the end. Even when Aaron no longer wanted him. "You were one of the only things in my life that stayed and for so long, I confused your presence for something stable and good for me. I thought that I provided the same for you as well. I was - I was wrong, Alex. About it all."

Alex waited with bated breath for Aaron to carry on, even as he felt his own heart breaking into millions of shards, cracking into little pieces. Is this how Aaron had felt all the while? It hurt.

"I mistook our codependency for something healthy, something with the chance of lasting," Aaron carried, tearing himself into two with every word. He couldn't falter now though. It was the least he could do for John. For himself. For Alex. All of them deserved a chance for a happy ending. Even if that happy ending didn't involve each other. "You broke me, Alex, you really did. I didn't think I was ever going to be ever happy again. Sometimes I still don't think I am. I kept on thinking, maybe today will be the day that Alex finally decides to give a crap about me, about what I want. But that never happened."

Alexander watched the perfect man fall. Is this what he'd done to him? Had he really ruined Aaron? He'd always thought that no matter what happened, no matter how broken their relationship became, Aaron was always going to still be there, be his standing rock in the storm.

"So I'm going to do what's best for all of us, something that will give us all an opportunity to heal," Aaron breathed shakily as he broke the news to Alex, perhaps even to himself as he finalized his plans, "I'm leaving the US as soon as Angelica gets back to me."

"What?" Alexander asked the second time in their fragile conversation, his heart fell right through his stomach and he could feel himself tightening his hold on the sidebars of the hospital bed. He could feel his breath becoming shallow as he finally let down the tears he had been holding back. "You're joking right, Aaron? What do you mean you're going to be leaving the US?"

"I finally took the offer that their dad made me all the while ago," Aaron laughed, somberly as he recalled the calm and careful way Phillip Schuyler had offered to ship him over to the UK to complete his law degree, an effort to get him as far away as possible from Alexander's toxic influence after the millionth time he'd shown up at the Schuyler doorstep looking like a train wreck each and every single time. "It's really the best course of action for the both of us, I'd like to think."

"I get it, Aaron, you need time to heal but you don't have to uproot your entire life and leave because of me, you've got so many people back here that care for you so much," Alexander argued as he tried to look at Aaron through his tears. "If anything, I can transfer to some other college so you don't have to see me ever again."

"It's much too late for me to go back on what I've decided now," Aaron shook his head, feeling as though a difficult burden had left his shoulders for once. "It's what is best for everyone, myself included. I'd like to think that an ocean between us would do well to kickstart the healing process, don't you think?"

"No, Aaron, this is everything opposite of what I want. What you want. Why are you punishing yourself for what I've done?" Alexander brokenly asked as though he'd still had the right to ask him anything at all. "You've got Theodosia, Maria, Angelica and even Thomas. Why would you throw all of that away as a way to achieve repentance?"

"They'd be fine without me," Aaron shook his head, emptily. He wasn't really anyone to be missed. They'd get over it sooner or later. It wasn't like he was anything important. "Listen, Alex, you can't change my mind because I've already decided on this. I just came here to tell you goodbye because I thought we needed to firmly close this chapter behind us and gain some sort of - some sort of closure." He weakly laughed to himself. Closure? Who was he kidding? Alexander Hamilton was an open wound that bled and refused to scab over.

"No, Aaron, no, no, no," Alexander whispered to himself and curled in on himself even as Aaron stepped forward right next to his bed. The taller man reached out and pressed a kiss on Alexander's sweaty forehead, slick from not being washed. Aaron breathed in Alexander's signature scent of wood and something earthy.

He wrapped his arms around Alex and held the shaking man in his arms, wincing as Alex sank his fingernails into Aaron's soft arms, as if that would be enough to anchor the other man to himself. To stay. "Goodbye, Alexander, I'll always love you."

He tried to ignore the tears flowing down his own face as the two of them cried for what they'd both lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second to last chapter of this installment. how'd yall find it? I tried to make it as much of a complete surprise of what aaron was going to do but i did try and leave little pieces of clues of what was going to happen. This isn't the last of Hamburr that we're going to see surprisingly as much as both of them probably feel like it is. It's still going to be one of the central relationships in this storyverse. The next and final chapter is going to contain a lot of heartbreak involving one John Laurens, Aaron Burr and Thomas Jefferson. (though not directly all related obviously)
> 
> hope you liked reading this chapter as much as i did writing it!


	16. here's to all the love and pain

 

His side of the room looked jarringly bare in comparison to the hovel that Alexander had left his in. Alexander. He said the name out loud to himself assured in the knowledge that no one was there to judge him in the quiet of the dorm where the sun rays beamed through the blinds. There were dust particles in the rays that floated about in tranquillity. Aaron envied their nonchalant way of existence. He wondered with wide eyes about what was lying in wait for the both of them because even when poor little orphaned Aaron whose caretakers abused him as easily as they’d hated him, had no one, he had still had Alexander Hamilton. Even if it had been in the form of ghosts that followed him at the heels no matter where he roamed.

Though, Aaron didn't know what he'd been expecting. The city was filled with memories of the two of them; it was a vibrant past where they'd been happy long before everything had started crumbling right before their very eyes.

The pavements reminded him of playing hopscotch and fighting dragons and trying to find the white rabbit that had led Alice down her wondrous hole. The evening skyline was one that they'd watched countless of times. They'd even mourned the lack of bright stars because of the light pollution.

Aaron remembered the time that they'd fallen to the ground of the roof floor after an afternoon of roughhousing, he remembered staring at Alex with widespread eyes as the younger had finally toppled him over. Aaron remembered wanting to wipe away the sweat that had collected at the younger's brow, longingly. Unknowingly, that day had lit a fire in his gut and the spark of it caught the drapes of everything that Aaron had held dear till only ash remained on his tongue. New York would always be his home but every corner had a memory that Aaron didn't want to relive through anymore. There would be no reprieve for him in this city.

The secrecy had been enough for a period of time, but the thrill of the rush ran dry. The excitement of being Hamilton's single most prized but hidden possession was the sweetest poison that he'd ever tasted, but the taste of it soured and curdled like most temporary things did. He could still the taste the memory of that summer haze in his tongue, and it felt like an old friend with all the familiar memories but with an abrupt aloofness inside the connection that had once felt like home to himself.

It was like the world had been carved for the two of them to live in. A small but encompassing bubble that had popped every time the high had rolled over. Every time he smelled Eliza's musky floral scent on Alexander's collar, something inside of him died a little. Perhaps, it was a little pathetic that even now Aaron couldn't stand the smell or presence of lavender.

His phone vibrated in his hand as he looked morosely around at the tattered well-loved books that Alexander owned. Aaron had gifted him half of the collection that Alexander had brought with him to Princeton. He calmly listened to the voicemail that Thomas Jefferson had left for him.

With a sickening roll in his stomach, Aaron couldn't help but feel absolute, terrifying guilt at the hurt he was going to cause this bright but incredibly vulnerable man. This step he was taking was impetuous and so unlike who he was but something screamed at him hysterically that the walls were closing itself on him, he had to leave and he had to do it as soon as he could.

He looked at the time and realized that he still had a few hours to kill before he had to board the plane, and knew that this confrontation was essential. Breathing out a sigh of exhaustion, Aaron pressed the call button by Thomas' profile and waited. The phone rang twice before a familiar worried voice with southern charm answered it.

"Hey, Thomas? I got your call and I was just wondering if we could meet up for a little while. I need to talk to you." Aaron laughed emptily at Thomas' well-intentioned worry about the other's being. "It's really important, I'm sorry."

 

* * *

 

Seeing the Virginian's well-kept curly hair out of its regular groom had Aaron faltering in his steps. It was like the other man had haphazardly thrown himself together in urgency at the ominous tone that had left him with bad feelings. He stuttered to a stop when they'd finally locked eyes and, it felt like the beginning of the true end.

"Aaron, it's so good to see you," The tall man earnestly grabbed his hands, and laid a precious kiss on the back of each one. Aaron's cheeks flushed with a sense of shyness and embarrassment that he had no right to feel. "I hope you've been well."

"I hope you've been just as well, Thomas," Aaron said, a rock in his stomach as they walked side by side, strolling down the college pavements. They had walked in relative silence for the next five minutes, but it was as awkward as Aaron had imagined it was going to be. The ease of their previous conversations had dried up like a drought.

Aaron bit his lips before he held out the coat that Thomas had given him, "Here, this belongs to you. I'm sorry; I shouldn't have kept it as long as I did."

Begrudgingly, Thomas accepted his coat back, their hands brushing just the slightest. A shiver ran down his spine at the touch of the cool smooth palms, before he admonished himself. Now was neither the time nor the place for his feelings to bubble up. "It's okay. You didn't have it for that long for me to be able to miss it."

Throughout the entire time, he could feel the weight of Thomas' inquisitive stare at his side, and he did his best to not shrink away, like a shrinking violet. It’s only by God’s gift that Thomas can recognize his impeccably polite facade is a cover for something much deeper than Thomas could ever think to know. So, he remains quiet. They come to a stop by one of the empty benches in a quiet spot by one of the college ponds.

"What's going on with you, Aaron?" Thomas cut straight to the chase without beating around the bush, and Aaron had known right there and then that he had no right to have someone as lovely as Thomas care for him as the other man did. He wanted everything to be as he'd thought it was going to turn out; he wanted the stability of Thomas' affections. But it had taken just one look in the cracking mirror for Aaron to realize that he had to heal before he ended up dragging someone innocent into his fucked up situation. "You haven't returned my texts or my calls until now, and I was really worried about your pending welfare."

Breathing out foggy breaths that dissipated into the direction of the biting wind, Aaron flinchingly opened his mouth. He knew the faster he ripped off the band-aid, the faster the wound would scab over without scarring as he had scarred. With that in mind, Aaron opened his mouth again and said, "I'm moving to England."

Then, he winced. His mouth had no subtlety in the way it brashly addressed topics without slight hesitance. One swift look at the taller man's jaw was enough for Aaron to want to run away like the coward that he was. "Pardon me?" Thomas spluttered after a brief moment of pausing; it seemed like he'd finally picked up his jaw from the floor. "You're doing ... what now?"

There was probably not much if anything that he could do to make what he was doing easier to bear. "It's something that I've been thinking about for a long time," Aaron chose to swallow his nervousness, rapidly blinking his eyes as he felt a shallow panic flood his veins. "I know it seems very sudden to you, but I promise that it wasn't because of you."

Thomas looked like he wanted to cry, and honestly, Aaron wouldn't put it against him at all. "So what does that mean for us, Aaron?" He voiced; his tenor crackling like he was holding back tears. "I'm sure you wouldn't want a barely formed relationship to restrict or limit you."

"That's not it at all, Thomas, you have to understand," Aaron pleaded, wringing his hands together as he compassionately begged for the other man to understand him. "There's so much more out there for you than just me. I'm just one man."

The other man closed his eyes at that, the length of his lashes fanning out against his cheeks, pausing their conversation for a while before he opened his eyes again with a blank expression that masked his feelings. Aaron clenched his hands at that; he had made Thomas feel like that. It was his fault. "You didn't answer me, Aaron. What does this mean for us?"

He opened his mouth hesitantly; he wanted to close the distance between them and press kisses between the furrows of the other man's brows, but Aaron knew that he wasn't going to have that right anymore. Sadness filled his stomach as he realized that he hadn't ever gotten the chance to do so, to begin with.

As their eyes spoke words that they were too afraid to verbalize, Aaron destroyed what he could. He looked away when the other man's face crumpled, and the tears escaped from Thomas' eyes. There was no comfort that he was going to be able to offer that would ease the pain that he had inflicted on the other.

* * *

  
Angelica had sent a taxi, or so she'd informed him through one of her texts. Aaron guiltily accepted the favor although he felt that she hadn't really needed to go that extra mile, because he was pretty sure that he was capable of calling a taxi for himself. She'd told him to 'shove it and accept her help or else' when he'd tried to tell her to cancel it.

The boxes were sealed and packed according to their order of importance. His library books had been passed over to a reliable classmate for returning. He wasn't coming back to the college any time soon if ever, to be able to do it himself. Hesitantly, he walked over to Alexander's side of the bedroom, pressing one of the other's oversized hoodie to his nose, hesitantly. He stood there, in that quiet place in time where everything was going to change before he was going to be able to process it. Change was good. Change was necessary.

When Alexander finally returned to college, Aaron was going to be long gone; he was going to be the feather in the wind that Alex would never be able to hold in his grasp. The thought of it was jittering and sobering all at once. Breathing in the achingly familiar scent once again, he decided that Alexander wouldn't miss this one hoodie from his collection of hoodies before he tugged it over his shoulders. It fit snugly around his figure like a glove, but something about it was strangely comforting, like a piece of Alexander was going to cross the ocean with him too.

Glancing at his dorm room for what he knew was going to be the final time; Aaron geared himself to begin moving his boxes. But, before he could pick a single box up, a confident yet unsure knock rang through the room before a familiar voice spoke through it.

"Aaron, are you in there?"John called out, and Aaron couldn't help but bite his lip when he realized that the slurred intonation indicated that the other man was hopelessly drunk. "Probably not, but I should get this out of my chest before I hurt you or myself."

Aaron's eyes darted around, and he began pacing slightly, questioning himself if he should let the other man in. But, fuck, the other's anger from the previous night had scared him like nobody's business. Memories flashed before his eyes, as he remembered the beatings he'd shouldered because his uncle had drunk a bottle or two of too much whiskey. Maybe the fear was unfounded and Aaron was acting like the biggest fool, but anxiety gripped him tightly as he thought about being flung around like a ragged doll, a puppet. Flashes of a weathered belt that left bloody imprints with scars even now down his back flashed before his eyes and it was all he could do to not cry loudly. For now, John's delegated position was outside, where the other man would not be able to hurt him.

"I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you, I know it was wrong for me to do that, bro," John's muffled voice pleaded as if he was pressed up against his dorm door. With how much he sounded like he'd drunk, it wouldn't surprise Aaron. His voice sounded dry and lack-luster as he laughed, “You and I both know that Alexander makes me feel like I'm losing my goddamned mind, but that doesn't mean that I had the right to lash out at you like that. Please forgive me. Or don't. I wouldn't blame you if you choose to shut me out of your life; I know it was a shitty move that I pulled. "

There was quiet for a moment before John resumed his apology rant, he sounded even more stuffy and slurred than before, and it was all that Aaron could do to anchor his feet down so that he wouldn't throw open the doors and hug the other tightly. They were just collateral damage to Alexander's hurricane. "I just want you to know that I know you're hurting alone, and I want to remind you that you don't have to hurt alone. I'll always be here for you if you need me."

"Fuck, what the fuck are you doing, John?" John cursed himself, grumbling, "You look like a crazy drunk ex, pleading for a second chance; Aaron's probably not even in there. Fuck."

Aaron nearly let out the stuttering laugh that threatened to reverberate from the hollows of his chest because if it was anyone that he empathized with, it was with the enigmatic freckled-face boy with the passion and boldness of a thousand summers. It was the boy who had the same scars that he had; the boy whose comfort had no strings attached. He cupped his mouth closed and pretended like the stinging in his eyes were from holding back peals of laughter and not tears of complete utter exasperation at himself.

When he was sure that the other man had stumbled away towards the direction of his room, and that he wouldn't hear his anguished cry, Aaron couldn't help the tears that finally slid down his face as his shoulders shook. It only solidified the thought that everyone was better off without his hovering presence; his presence lingered like the ghosts in Halloween did.

Raising his eyes skyward, Aaron took a few deep breaths to recollect his composure, and then with a blank expression, resolutely began moving his possessions out of his dorm. He would rather do anything else than think of the worth of his existence.

* * *

  
The sterile glare of the hospital lights shone down the hallways and lit up every corridor. In Alexander’s room, they were dimmed so that he could rest more easily without discomfort, but the man on the bed was wide awake. He was more awake than he’d been in an awfully long time, his lashes blinking against the top of his cheeks as he deliberated over the situation. He blinked even more harshly as the lights of his hospital room were switched on, and his parents filed in for what was probably the intervention that he needed.

“Alexander,” His father said, watching him rapturously with a firm arm around his mother who looked at Alexander like she wanted to beat him and hug him close all at once. With every fiber of reluctance, Alexander raised his eyes to meet the disappointed gazes of his parents, and he tried hard to not flinch back. The sickly scent of the hospital walls filled with death and decay make him want to hurl, and he fingers at the threadbare blanket they’ve given him for warmth. “I could say that you’ve created a new kind of stupid, but at this point, we’re past me giving you a verbal confrontation that you’ll inevitably ignore.”

  
“George,” Martha said, silencing her husband with steel in her eyes, she shook off the arm that was wrapped around her and walked up to the bed with a straight ramrod back, stiff with exhaustion. Alexander swallowed his guilt as much as he could. “You scared us to death and back, Alexander, what were you thinking?”

  
Her voice broke as she stared angrily at him, tears of anguish silently seeping down her eyes. Her nose was flushed red with irritation and the wrinkles around her eyes had sagged deeply. “I love you, my dear heart, I love you and I know how much you love Aaron but you need to let him go.”

  
He stopped breathing as she stared at him desperately, pleading as she reached out to grip his clammy hands. “I- I can’t,” Alexander replied, distraught at the thought of even attempting such a feat. Something inside of himself disassociated with the reality of his situation, and he felt like an outsider in this conversation that they were sharing.

  
A part of him sat outside of the circle and observed the ones who took him in when he’d been a traumatized child, stolen away to a foreign land where everything had been a mystery, when he couldn’t speak a word of English and when he used to hide underneath his bed whenever they would come to read him a bedtime story. The darkness had been a constant that had remained true to him. Or so he’d thought. It was only when he’d met Aaron that everything had changed. How could they ask this of him?

“You can’t make me, please don’t make me,” Alexander sobbed out loud. His parents looked so old and so tired, they were too fatigued to deal with his issues when he should have been more than old enough to take care of himself without needing their constant guidance.

“We’re not making you do anything, son,” George calmly said, his tenor unshakeable but his teary eyes gave his worries away. “Sometimes, these things happen and you have to let the people you love go for their betterment, to a future where they’re able to be happy and content, even if that means that that’s a future without you.”

“He’s all I’ve wanted, dad,” Alexander whispered, fingers loosening on the rough blankets, shivering as the cold ran its fingers down his spine. “What am I going to do if he decides to never come back?”

His father approached his bed from the other side and pulled him close to his chest, and Alexander couldn’t help but collapse as he was held up, feeling like a lifeless ragdoll. A hand carded through his hair, patient and calming as the words were said, and his world shattered again, “Then, you have to accept it for what it is.”

* * *

 

  
The last few moments before he boarded the plane was strangely anti-climatic. His college friends had all milled into the taxi to drop him off. Maria had hit him hard on the shoulder multiple times for his abrupt departure, and Theodosia had to bodily shield her girlfriend from causing more damage, but Aaron wasn’t excused from the sad look that she gave him. He’d looked away so that he didn’t have to face her sadness on top of his own.

  
They’d left him when his plane had finally called for departure, leaving the scents of their faint perfume and promises to keep in touch behind. Even still, an empty feeling rushed through him as he dragged his carry-on with him. Sure, at first, the phone calls and texts would be constant but with the pressures and hectic nature of everyday life; those would all slowly trickle from every day to every week to every month to every year. He would be reassigned to the position of an old college friend who’d left midway through his degree.

  
A little part of him wondered what would happen if Alexander came rushing through the airport, begging him to stop in his tracks, like all those romance movies he’d ever seen and envied. But, it was all just a pipedream. Alexander was stuck in the hospital that Aaron had left him behind in, and the truth was that the little part of him was overshadowed by the rest of himself that was restless to board the plane and finally close this chapter of his life behind him. That part of him cried for new beginnings and closure of loose endings.

Even still, as he finally strapped himself beside a few other passengers, he looked outside through the tiny window as the plane lifted head-first into the white clouds of condensation. Quietly, with a heavy heart, Aaron wondered of everything that could have been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooh guys, part 1 is finally wrapped up!!! it was agonising writing every word of this because writer's block hit me super duper hard. I'm not completely happy with how this is written but I knew that I had to get it up and running after scrapping the final chapter countless of times. the next part is going to probably be a short interlude of aaron's new life in london. but this storyverse is temporarily going to be shelved for a while because i just need a lil break from this pairing. i'll be back on track when summer holidays begin in the uk but lemme know how you guys found it down in the comments. thank you guys so much for all your love and support <3


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